I know it's hard to prevent your children from gaining an early fascination with drugs, violence, weapons, World of Warcraft, and illicit personal behavior.
The phenomenon that is Webkinz is but one brave attempt.
In case you inhabit a particularly large hole in Nova Scotia, Webkinz turns your children into loving, caring humans online.
On the Webkinz site, your children can look after their new pets. Well, as long as they buy the physical, three-dimensional stuffed version at a friendly neighborhood store.
So it is my heartfelt privilege to be able to tell you that should you choose to eat, drink, shop, or merely loiter with questionable intent at Cracker Barrel, you might discover the first ever Webkinz toy made exclusively for a retailer. It will be available beginning September 11.
For this venturesome enterprise, the Webkinz zookeepers have decided to offer an opossum, he of the cute little face and rather narrow brain.
What sweet, innocent child could not fall in love with this pink-pawed pet, which, like the finest of Black Sabbath tracks, lives just as happily in Web world as it does in the physical form?
I believe even Damien Thorn himself would clutch this little sweetie to his chest and whisper: "I could never turn the heat up on you, my friend. Not even online."
I am, however, still somewhat troubled by the choice of opossum. You see, aren't these the animals that play dead when they feel threatened?
Surely we don't want to be teaching our children to mimic surrender at the first sign of trouble? No, they should stand up to oppressors, not play opossums.
For the first exclusive at Cracker Barrel, couldn't they have mustered an aardvark? Aardvarks have a thick skin, they can lash out with all fours and they can eat up to 50,000 insects in just one night.
Wouldn't that be a better example for our children to follow?