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New Amazon Fire Phone ad sells everything but the phone

Should you buy Amazon's Fire Phone because it's so cool? Not at all. You should buy it because your 9-year-old can get lots of content.

2 min read

His girlfriend reads Sheryl Sandberg. Amazon/YouTube screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

Phones are image statements, the technological jewelry of our age.

We buy them because they look cool. We adorn them with pretty cases and stickers. (Well, you do.) Then we prod them till they die.

Amazon doesn't want to play that game. Yes, it's releasing the Fire Phone in the US next week with all sorts of technological enhancements , such as five infrared cameras to help you, um, burgle houses or something.

The first ad for the phone, however, is clear why you should really buy the phone. It's so that your wise little 9-year-old can get superior content through Amazon Prime.

Here we have two delightful little kiddies sitting in a coffee shop. What are they doing alone at this coffee shop? Do 9-year-olds go on dates now?

Two ladies at the next table are discussing men's disgraceful bathroom quirks, other ladies who have already left their husbands, and the handsome Portuguese waiter who's always offering them an extra pour. (Alright, this is what I imagine they're discussing, because that's what so many ladies I know discuss over coffee.)

Anyway, they notice that the little kids both have phones and are chatting animatedly about the content on them. The little girl is reading Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In." Doesn't every little girl?

Had I been these two ladies, I'd have wondered: "Who are these 9-year-olds who can afford a $649 phone and go on dates in coffee shops?"

These ladies, though, merely wonder how these kiddies could have so much stuff on their phones. The kids dutifully explain that they have Amazon Fire Phones that come with Amazon Prime for free.

What twisted part of Beverly Hills is this? What 9-year-old orders a boiled egg in a coffee shop? Who buys a $649 phone (unsubsidized) so that they can get a $99 service from Amazon?

I am left with so many questions.