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Microsoft's latest stab at Apple: Macs are no good for weddings

If you're planning a wedding, says Microsoft in a new ad, the lack of a touch screen heralds impending disaster.

A touchy subject?
Microsoft/YouTube screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to discuss the fact that Apple has no feelings.

Anyone with a heart knows that if you're going to plan a wedding, you have to be able to poke and stroke your laptop screen. Otherwise, it's bad karma.

That is my initial reading of Microsoft's latest ad aimed at belittling Apple.

There have been a few lately. Everything from telling you you'll fail at college if you use an iPad to sending a decaying apple to iPhone users.

Here we have a lovely, soon-to-be-lovelier woman planning her wedding.

"Honestly," she says, belying the real truth that she's an actress. "I was going to get a Mac."

Honestly, being an image-conscious actress, she's probably got one at home. Here, however, she laments: "But Macs still don't have touch screens."

Why is that? Is Cupertino afraid its screens will get greased? Would a touch screen divorce Apple from its true principles?

This fine future bride plumped for a Windows all-in-one because, just like the perfect marriage, you'll never need anything else.

You see, here's what's important in wedding planning: "A touch screen makes it easy for my friends to check Pinterest, search for the wedding band, and share their ideas."

It's hard to find a band with the most perfectly awful version of "Livin' On A Prayer" without being able to poke a screen. Or your eyes out.

Planning a wedding is infinitely exciting, especially if all your friends publicly approve of your insipid, nice-guy husband-to-be -- the man who will be your all-in-one, till he's your good-for-nothing.

So if anyone knows of any just impediment preventing a Windows all-in-one from being the perfect wedding partner, speak now or forever hold your iPeace.