Dear Ken Bone,
May we call you Ken?
All of America feels like we know you, ever since your awesome appearance at Sunday's debate, clad in your now-famous red sweater.
As your new friend, we beg you not to accept adult entertainment site CamSoda's $100,000 offer for a "live hourlong broadcast."
We love how your energy question during the debate reminded the presidential candidates, for one minute, that they're running to do things that really matter for our nation of more than 300 million people.
We love how you confessed to CNN that your wife picked out your bright red sweater, because some of us lack the fashion gene, too. And we especially appreciate your ready admission that it wasn't even your first outfit choice -- that you split the pants on your olive suit. America too has gained some weight over the years, Ken, and sometimes we have to go with our second choice, if you want to make an election metaphor out of this.
We love how you tweeted loyal love for your wife, and we're kind of happy you're still reportedly an undecided voter, because the minute you pick a side, half of the nation will drop off your bandwagon.
We want you to reap the benefits of your sudden fame -- it's fun that there's a GoFundMe account raising money to buy you a new suit.
But GAAAAH NO please, please, Ken Bone, stay away from CamSoda. In a letter published Monday, the X-rated site offered you $100,000 and 25 disposable cameras (like the one you toted after the debate) for a "live hourlong broadcast." Now this could mean they want 60 minutes of you discussing modern energy policies, but for $100,000 we're guessing they're more interested in the type of energy that people expend between the sheets, if you know what we mean.
We think you do. You grew up with the last name "Bone." We figure you've heard every joke in the book.
Stay clean, Ken. Keep the sweater on. (Except in-between interviews, like here.) We need to stay members of your fan club. There's not a lot of decency in this election, and so far, you've got our vote.
Sincerely,
America