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How to throw a Kim Jong Il Party

Not everyone can throw down like the North Korean dictator.


It's been all over the news and blogs today. Rather than launching a preemptive strike against North Korea (unless that's their next step), the U.S. government has decided to hit Kim Jong Il where it really hurts: they're cutting off his party-toy and gadget supply. Now that's a major ouch.

Of greater interest to tech-loving Crave readers, however may be the extensive list of Kim Jong Il's luxury preferences listed in the original Associated Press story. This is one dictator who really knows how to get the party started. In fact, I'm guessing that "Kim Jong Il parties" are going to be the next big thing. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Make sure your guests show up in the right kind of rides. Intelligence reports have revealed that Kim Jong Il's preferences are Cadillacs, BMWs, and Mercedes. If they show up in, heaven forbid, Toyotas or Fords, you'll have to boot them out of your party as forcefully as in that "South Park" episode where Satan removed Steve Irwin from his Halloween party for not wearing a costume.

2. Kim Jong Il loves his booze. Therefore, any good Kim Jong Il party should include some of his preferred libations: French cognac, expensive wine, and Johnnie Walker scotch. I'm not sure whether he prefers that last one on the rocks.

3. Your pricey plasma TV should be playing some of North Korea's Dear Leader's favorite film picks. Word is, he has over 10,000 movies in his library, but he appears to have a preference for Godzilla, "The Bodyguard," and James Bond. Never mind that Asian despots are frequent targets of 007 these days (see "Die Another Day"). Whatev, it's all about throwing a good party.

4. Kim Jong Il loves Sony cameras, so make sure those CyberShots are everywhere. You think he has a Flickr account? I'm going to start hunting down usernames like "oppressrNK" and "omg_ive_got_nukes."

5. But as a stern reminder of the United Nations-approved "luxury sanctions" on North Korea, there may be absolutely no Segways or iPods at a Kim Jong Il party. You'll have to ride on puny little Razor scooters and listen to music from Windows Media Player-compatible media players instead. Sorry, but that's the law.