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Groupon's brilliant response to Amazon's drones: Catapults

Instead of frightening you with futuristic, intrusive flying machines, Groupon decides there's a better way to give you faster deliveries.

Take that, Amazon.
Groupon/YouTube screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

By now, you'll have come to realize that the idea of Amazon sending your diapers by drone is brilliant. A brilliant public relations idea, not a brilliant idea for actually delivering diapers.

Groupon, however, clearly sees this as a threat to its business and our society. So, the company put its collective craniums together in order to come up with a new delivery method that will be fast, but more people-friendly than Amazon's drones.

The Grouponderers decided that the best way of looking forward was to look back. History has already seen some excellent ideas for propelling objects from one point to another, so why not take advantage of that?

"We're talking about principles of package delivery systems that have been around since the time of King Arthur," explained Everett Weiss, Groupon's SVP of innovations, in new video.

"That guy knew something about keeping precious cargo safe," continued Weiss.

So Groupon will be delivering your precious cargo by catapult. These devices have stood the test of time. They come in all sorts of sizes.

"We draw the line at creating autonomous robots that buzz by your house, wake up your sleeping baby and, who knows, take pictures of you while you're in the shower," said Weiss.

This shows a truly sensitive pioneering spirit. However, you might wonder how guinea pig customers are responding to their packages being projected.

"So I heard this whistling, this ominous whistling," customer Jeanette Colan said in the video. She thought it might be a flaming bale of hay or a hot cauldron of oil.

This is understandable, as she looks like she lives in Brooklyn. In fact, it was just her wireless headphones, catapulted by Groupon.

The Groupon catapult will be live in 2014, far sooner than Amazon's putative drones.

"From our dungeon to your doorstep," ends the video. This could turn out to be one of the world's greatest ever taglines.

Jeff Bezos is quaking in his loafers. Groupon/YouTube screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET