Alternative replies to the iPhone 4 complaints

It was hard to focus on the longest match in Wimbledon history. It was impossible to fully enjoy the sheer beauty of Italy's demise at the World Cup. And as for some scandal about a general and his crystal decanter, well, that one just carried on down the Khyber.

You see, the iPhone 4 was out. So were the knives.

Let's look at all these complaints and see which ones might have sincere merit.

The most significant seems to be that signal may be lost primarily by those who talk on the iPhone 4 while holding it in their left hand.

But why would you do that? Hold the phone in your left hand, I mean. Whenever I try to hold a phone in my left hand it's like trying to hold a chopstick in my nose. And I am ambidextrous. Everyone should hold phones in their right hand. Somehow, it's just more elegant.

In any case, why would you want to talk on an iPhone? This is not to say anything against AT&T or its stellar service, but when you talk on an iPhone, no one can see your beautiful face. Your beautiful iPhone's face. You know, the one with all those gorgeous colored icons.

It's true that Apple might have solved the southpaw problem by making a special iPhone 4 for left-handed people. You know, like Taylor-Made make left-handed golf clubs.

However, even though Joan of Arc, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf, Bart Simpson, and Martina McBride are or were all purportedly left-handers, I believe that Apple specifically resisted making the left-handed version, because another left-hander, President Obama, is a committed BlackBerry user. He also declared very recently that the iPod and the iPad don't empower us to do great things. Apple has a long memory.

So what of other whines?

Oh, yes. The yellow discoloration that has reportedly been appearingon some of the screens.

I know that some have considered that this might simply be drool from tobacco-smoking fanboys who have sneaked into Apple stores in order to commune with the latest object of worship.

In certain instances, however, I am convinced that these are merely soup stains that have been left there by new iPhone 4 owners who are simply so much in awe that they dare not touch their gorgeous machine.

They stare at it. They say thanks and prayers to it. And, yes, they have dinner with it, hence the soup stains. But they feel touching it would be like putting your arm round the queen of England and asking her out for a beer and some pork scratchings.

Talking of scratchings, the iPhone 4 apparently scratches easily. But all phones scratch easily. Most, after three months, resemble the visual equivalent of Leona Helmsley's voice.

There is an excellent reason for this. Just as when your lover puts on a couple of years, or even a couple of pounds, you seek to find a more suitable model, so it is with phones. They depreciate the minute you have them in your (right) hand. A sensible manufacturer tries to make the process as graceful as possible. Sometimes, they might overcook one or two batches on the production line, but surely you see the point. It's the circle of life.

Lastly, there's supposedly a problem with Bluetooth headsets. Apparently it might be hard to pair some of them with the iPhone 4.

Personally, I believe it is hard to pair Bluetooth headsets with anything so that the result might even vaguely resemble taste. Anyone who walks around, drives around, or even clowns around with one of these things hung on their person surely cannot be entirely aware of the effect on the retinas of others.

A Bluetooth headset is the contemporary taste equivalent of the yellow polka-dot bow tie. It makes the wearer look like they're desperate for Leonard Nimoy's autograph. Is it remotely possible that, if this complaint is true, Apple is merely asking you to think carefully about whether you really do want to look like an extra from "Galaxy Quest"?

It's very hard to please so many people who suffer from so much excitement as they stand in line to get their hands on the latest Holy Grail. People can sometimes be unaware of their own irrationalities.

But I am sure that as the days roll by and the admiring glances offered by the have-nots toward the haves resemble (and are) come-ons in a late-night bar, the iPhone 4 will prove to be another excellent, winning machine. Just like whoever it was who finally won that match at Wimbledon.