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9 hot takes from Fyre Festival's leaked marketing pitch deck

If moisture is the essence of wetness, then garbage is the essence of Fyre.

The marketing pitch deck for the Fyre Festival has emerged, and hoooh boy. Let's just say it's ironic that the Fyre Festival ran out of water, when everyone was drinking so much Kool-Aid.

The disastrous festival was created by rapper Ja Rule and entrepreneur Billy McFarland (who were brought together by a "mutual interest in technology, the ocean, and rap music"). But when Instagram influencers, music acts and the rich and famous descended on The Bahamas to attend the festival, they found disaster-relief tents, deconstructed cheese sandwiches and a cancelled festival.

Now, Vanity Fair has gotten its hands on the marketing presentation for the Fyre Festival and things are suddenly so much clearer.

When your event concept is built on the amorphous promise of Instagram "impressions," the social media reach of "influencers" (known as "Fyre Starters") and the first year of your business plan is just labelled "Water," it's little wonder your festival turned into a Kafkaesque durational performance artwork fuelled by plastic cheese and custom Louboutins.

We've contacted the Festival organisers for comment but have so far only received a form response saying "we are experiencing overwhelming demand."

In the meantime, here are our favourite marketing pitches for the Fyre Festival, which legitimately appeared in a presentation before everything went so wrong.

Pitch: "The actual experience exceeds all expectations and is something that's hard to put to words. It will IGNITE that type of ENERGY, that type of POWER in our guests."

Translation: The actual experience is something that's hard to put to words.

Pitch: "Fyre has a unique goal and inspiration: The exploration of the uncharted inspired by and referencing the five elements of the earth."

Translation: BYO Multipass.

Pitch: "Throughout the next five years, we will traverse the globe to find untouched lands and convert them into unparalleled experiences."

Translation: Why hang in Cali when we can wreck someone else's pristine coast?

Pitch: "Come, seek, for searching is the foundation of fortune."

Translation: Come, seek, your tent is down the end there. Squat toilets close at 5p.m.

Pitch: "Understanding that today's cohort interacts, engages and follows a new generation of role models who are defining today's culture, the FYRE platform changes the way how they interact with their fans, followers and brands."

Translation: When I grow up, I want to be an Instagram impression.

Pitch: "We've seen firsthand that the live industry is broken. Accessing talent is a mystifying, inefficient and inconsistent process."

Translation: The septic system is broken. Accessing food is a mystifying, inefficient, and inconsistent process.

Pitch: "What if we reimagined what it means to attend a music festival."

Translation: ...With literally no music.

Pitch: "The viral marketing campaign pulled me in but the promise of a life changing experience hooked me."

Translation: The promise of Instagram fame intrigued me, but getting paid to promote something without disclosing it to my followers was what really paid dividends.

Pitch: "Is Fyre Festival The New Coachella?"

Translation: No.

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