A little boy in Kansas is upset that Apple's new operating system is just so, well, different. And he can't take it. He just can't take it. He wants the old one back.
Dear agents of change at Apple, you are trouble makers.
You are creating abject misery for little boys in Kansas who liked their operating systems just fine before.
Little boys like 4-year-old Jack Colling.
The Telegraph insists that little Jack just wanted to play Plants vs. Zombies on his dad's iPad.
But then his dad had the grim idea of upgrading to the girlie bright colors of iOS 7.
Did he consult Jack? Clearly, he did not.
Did he show him some of Jony Ive's imaginings to see whether they met with little Jack's approval? It seems he did diddly.
So Jack received such a severe shock to his system that he burst into copious tears, as his dad shot copious footage.
What did Jack not like about iOS 7? Why, everything.
Jack, life is like this all the time.
Just when you're happy with the way things are, someone comes along with their own self-centered agenda and ruins everything.
You'll just have to get used to it. But it's a shame that you had to encounter it in such a painful way.
Dear parents of the world, please take heed of Jack's suffering and prepare your children for the worst. Please lead them gently through what they are about to witness.
I suggest putting on a soft, mellifluous British accent as you do.
There is nothing worse than scaring children and scarring them for life. For some kids, these things are simply too much.
They might cause them, when they grow up a little, to break neighbors' windows, steal BMWs, and scream uncontrollably at passers-by.
Don't say I didn't warn you.