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36 percent admit to cursing, punching their computers

A survey reveals that more than a third of Americans assault their computers, in one way or another, because the machines frustrate them.

Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

In most human transactions, I believe I am lied to around two-thirds of the time.

Perhaps you too have such a suspicion. Perhaps that suspicion will be confirmed by the survey I am about to spread before your eyes.

This survey sought to discover just how many Americans abuse their computers. Personal methods of abuse were also analyzed.

You will surely be stunned into punching your temples several times when I tell you that 36 percent of people admitted "using profanity, screaming, and shouting, or by striking it with a fist or other object" in the last six months.

Yes, only 36 percent. That cannot possibly be true. The figure must be in the very high 90s. These respondents are simply ashamed of their flaccidity.

Computers malfunction. Every time I see that rolling rainbow-colored beach ball thingy I want to talk to it sternly. This is shortly before I do. I use a mixture of Polish and English, with the occasional touch of ancient Greek.

The respondents to this survey -- which was performed on behalf of computer memory experts Crucial.com -- claimed the emotion at the heart of these reactions was frustration.

A fulsome 65 percent confessed to this. A mere 10 percent admitted to anger. Oddly, this was the very same proportion that confessed to feeling helpless.

You might think that these troubled humans would at least consider what it was that caused their computers to let them down; 46 percent believe it's malware, which seems a touch optimistic.

Sixteen percent crept closer to the truth. Yes, they had absolutely no idea why their computer was playing up.

Then there were the 12 percent who clearly participated in this survey while lying on a chaise-lounge in their psychiatrist's office. These were the fine people who blamed themselves.

Some companies might react to this information by immediately raising the psychological allowance in the health benefits they offer.

For its part, Crucial.com has got together with the mild-mannered Lou Ferrigno to launch a competition to find the finest frustrated computer-inspired roar.

I am not lying. Here's the link. You are invited to submit a 30-second video of yourself losing your equilibrium at your computer. You could win $5,000 to go toward your shrink costs.

This, of course, would be a very interesting and dangerous video, should you be one of those who lashes your Lenovo or smacks your Samsung.

I reserve my greatest sympathy, though, for the 7 percent of 18- to 34-year-olds who looked this survey in the eye and admitted to experiencing the ultimate breakdown in the face of a recalcitrant computer.

Yes, they cried.

Only 2 percent of those 35 and over admitted to doing this.

You see, kids, as time goes on, you learn to deal with frustration. You punch the life out of your laptop and you feel so much better.