Dear UFO-flying aliens,
You're not as sneaky as you think you are. YouTube is full of shaky and fuzzy videos showing your mysterious lights, orbs and various flying blobs checking out our less-advanced civilization. We're onto you, but I have a few requests that would be a big help for some of us more-skeptical people:
1. Please hold still.
Camera technology has advanced at an incredible rate, but we still can't seem to get a decent video of your high-tech, space-faring, Earth-visiting crafts. Sure, we can photograph a single airplane from the International Space Station, but we can't seem to capture a clear video of one of your UFOs. I would appreciate it if you could come in low over a well-populated area and hover in good lighting for at least a few minutes. Just long enough for someone to get some solid footage is all I ask.
2. Land and say "Hi."
I can understand why you haven't bothered to introduce yourselves yet. Humans are kind of weird and scary. We tend to kill things we don't understand. But we're not all like that. I would suggest landing somewhere in New Mexico where we're used to the idea of space aliens thanks to all the tourism around Roswell and an alleged UFO landing there back in 1947.
I recommend aiming for the 2017 UFO Festival in Roswell this July. We're pretty chill. You will be greeted like an old friend and we'll give you a cool t-shirt and alien-eye-shaped sunglasses. Just imagine the vacation photos you'll get to show your buddies back on your home planet.
3. Watch some Star Trek.
You may be hesitant to get in touch with us because you've seen our Earth productions like the "Alien" series and "Independence Day." Admittedly, the aliens don't come off very well. As an antidote, I suggest you binge-watch all of "Star Trek." See? Some of us dream of all getting along some day! We would love to start a real United Federation of Planets with you. And we have really cool conventions. You'll love it and nobody will judge you based on your alien looks.
4. Step up your Mars-sculpture game.
We also know you've been hanging out on Mars, creating sculptures for whatever artistic or ritualistic endeavors you're into. I don't mean to come off like an art critic, but your efforts on Mars are a little too impressionistic. Please work on expressing yourself with a stronger sense of realism so we don't have to guess if some random stone is a statue or just a weirdly-shaped rock.
It would also help if you would sign your work, release an artist's statement and offer a price tag in case one of our rovers would like to purchase it.
5. Please don't eat us.
If I'm totally off track here and you're hovering above our cities and countrysides while you're working out the best way to cook and serve humans, I have a final request: Don't eat us. Also, please don't raise us on ranches, put us in zoos on other planets or probe us for any reason. Remember, we have Will Smith ready in case you try any hijinks.
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