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Culture

Top ten rumors that could come true

As I scan through the rumors about mergers and acquisitions, corporate intrigue, and bathroom vandalism that arrived in my email box last week, I find the truth is too dull to bear. So, equipped with my magic eight ball, I came up with a top ten list of rumors that could become a reality this year.

As I scan through the rumors about mergers and acquisitions, corporate intrigue, and bathroom vandalism that arrived in my email box last week, I find the truth is too dull to bear. So, equipped with my magic eight ball, I came up with a top ten list of rumors that could become a reality this year:

10) Push technology turns out to be a fantastic productivity killer in U.S. corporations and is widely banned. Also, hackers discover that push is an effective way of simultaneously broadcasting viruses to thousands of users. Consequently, PointCast finds a niche broadcasting virus fixes to users.

9) Two weeks pass without the discovery of a single security bug in Windows 95, NT, or Internet Explorer.

8) The market for Java productivity applications explodes. The surge in sales is created by a growing demand for slower, less feature-rich applications among knowledge workers who, it turns out, really aren't that knowledgeable after all. The trend follows a precipitous decline in the quality of U.S. education.

7) Systems administrators everywhere figure out that Microsoft and Intel's Zero Administration Client requires exactly what the name suggests--zero administration--to keep the darn things running. Chaos ensues as IS departments across the world struggle to prove that they are still needed.

6) The convergence of the personal computer and television is blamed for a rash of domestic disputes amongst couples who fight for control of the mouse.

5) Netscape decides that, like Microsoft, it too wants to play in the media space. First editorial project is Netscape Leads, a Webzine that reviews Internet software. Netscape sweeps Microsoft in every software category.

4) Intel ups its equity stake in CNET again, but Macintosh users resign in protest over what they perceive to be their second-class status at the company.

3) Email resurrects that art of letter writing. At the same time, studies show the range of human facial expression in newborns is narrowing to resemble a few simple emoticons--
: )
; ) and
:-o.

2) In searching for a new CEO from the media industry, PointCast hires Howard Stern who, inexplicably, turns down separate buyout offers from Disney, Microsoft, and CBS. Stern takes PointCast public and then, weeks later, takes the company private again.

1) Microsoft ships Memphis and Internet Explorer 4.0 on time. Enough of these shenanigans. Email me some real rumors so I don't have to use my imagination.