Back in 1987, someone thought it'd be a good idea to make a movie based on a trendy bunch of odd characters, each of whom had a single defining characteristic. "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie" featured hideous creatures such as Valerie Vomit and Windy Winston, and it's been declared one of the worst movies ever made.
I'm not suggesting "The Emoji Movie," scheduled to hit theaters worldwide in August, will beat out the GPK as the worst of the worst. I'm just pointing out a few noteworthy things culled from the teaser trailer released Tuesday, as well as from other sources. These are the things.
Thing 1: The trailer is narrated by the "Meh" emoji, as in the emoji used to express a lack of interest or enthusiasm. "Meh," as in the word defined as "uninspiring, unexceptional." There's a hidden warning there, if we're smart enough to heed it.
Thing 2: I love hilarious deadpan comic Steven Wright (who voices Meh) and have paid cash money to see him perform and own more than one of his albums. (He spilled Spot Remover on his dog, now he's gone!) But 32 seconds into the trailer I wanted to squish Meh with a high-heeled shoe just so I never had to hear his voice again.
Thing 3: The movie is described as "our FIRST movie," as in, "if you humans don't behave and hand over your ticket money, we will make many, many sequels." I take comfort in the fact that Hollywood also said this about "I Am Number Four," and promised sequels never materialized.
Thing 4: According to IMDb, the movie was originally called "Emojimovie: Express Yourself." Hey, movie, your space bar is stuck.
Thing 5: There's rumored to be so much product placement in the film it's been called "basically one long commercial for mobile apps."
Thing 6: The ice cream cone, which is actually one of the cuter emojis around, has the stereotypical tough-guy-from-New-York-or-maybe-Chicago-it-doesn't-really-matter-we-couldn't-afford-a-voice-coach-generic-muscly-dumb-dude voice. Hard to even tolerate, impossible to like, it's the Limburger cheese of movie accents.
Thing 7: The poop emoji gets the bow tie and cultured accent because of course it does.
Thing 8: There was a bidding war for this film, even though making a cartoon movie about smiling poop doesn't require rights purchased from, say, J.K. Rowling. Many fans are bemoaning the fact that Sony could've better used the money on what seemed to be a promising animated "Popeye" movie, but he yam what he yam.
Thing 9: It's in 3D. Because in a universe where poop and ice cream are friends, you really want to feel as if you're walking the walk with them.
Thing 10: As evidenced by the tweets below, fans can't wait! ;-)