Dancing with the Astaires, it isn't.
But Monday's "Dancing with the Stars" will see the next step in Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak's hop to be hip. And it will be a quickstep. Or at least as quick as the Woz can muster.
In his latest detailed outpouring of sweat-by-syllable to his Facebook Support Group, Wozniak lays bare the pain and gain.
Hisis responding well. He went four days without Aspirin and only took an Aleve on Saturday night in order to appease his aching, breaking body.
Typing many, many words with a sore shoulder, the Woz wrote, "As the day progresses, I need longer and longer rests to have a body that can get through what seems like a short dance. But I can do my best when I've had a long rest, and that's the case before the dress rehearsal and the real live routine, so I will definitely have the strength then."
He might have strength, but I am worried about his possible costume choices. He appears to be lobbying to wear Buddy Holly's glasses during his quickstep. Oh, and plaid pants and Keds.
And did I mention that halfway through his latest message to the masses, his swim trunks started to sag? "Please get me a ticket to Saga, Japan" might be your first thought, but wait.
"Three times, in a jumping part near the end, the heavy microphone on my swim trunks started pulling them down, under my shirt," Wozniak confessed. "Each of those times, the chance of my pants falling in front of a video camera took my entire focus, and even if my pants wouldn't likely fall off, I either forgot the coming steps, or I just stopped to avoid embarrassment."
Avoiding embarrassment is a noble goal. So I think that the swim trunks will be beneath the plaid pants. I think.
But hang on: "During our practice on the real stage, there was one time that my swim trunks started falling on their own, without even a microphone," he said. "Maybe my body, like my hips, are rearranging themselves."
Before you decide to rearrange yourselves to foreign lands, or, indeed, anywhere that doesn't receive ABC television on a Monday, please consider this: the reality (yes, let's talk reality show reality) is that the Woz should probably survive this week's exertions. As the Woz reveals, rodeo rider Ty Murray, husband of Jewel, is not very happy.
And the likes of Belinda Carlisle, David Alan Grier, and even former Hugh Hefner girlfriend Holly Madison do not necessarily have a huge constituency among those who watch this Baroque little show. In addition, Steve-O (of "Jackass" and rehab) and Gilles Marini (naked bloke from "Sex and the City") are both injured.
And, well, you're all going to vote, aren't you? Even though the Woz's Facebook Support Group still numbers barely more than 2,000, there seem to be more than 17,000 tech souls whose hearts and fingers are all a-Twitter at the thought of voting for him.
You don't need to watch the show (airing on Monday at 8 p.m. EST and PST, and 7 p.m. in the early-to-bed Midwest) to actually vote. You can find all the details here. And, what fun, you can vote 13 times.
So even if you loathe this show more than you loathe chewing the bark of a sycamore, even if you look down upon it as the most superficial tripe since James Joyce, think of this as a scientific experiment. Can the tech-savvy beat the underhumans at, well, something that is, in essence, a technological exercise?
Or think of it as cryogenics. Yes, you can be one among the millions who brought Buddy Holly back to life.
(I will, naturally, be writing about the Woz's quickstep, as soon after the performance as I am able to place my fingers to my Apple computer--as opposed to my Adam's apple.)