I look up to Kanye West like I look down on people who don't understand curling.
West has his finger on the pulse of humanity's soul, so when he speaks, I don't merely listen, I make sure I kneel first.
I am typing this with possible anterior cruciate ligament damage, therefore, after hearing his latest pronouncement: "Samsung is not quite Apple."
This is something I didn't know. I assumed that because there were Samsung components in Apple's gadgets and Apple had accused Samsung of copying its gadgets, that these two were merely combative, conjoined Siamese twins.
As Adweek reveals, West wants people to understand that despite the fact that Samsung is not quite Apple, Jay-Z working with Samsung made Apple buy Beats.
You are still with me, aren't you?
West is currently attending the Cannes Advertising Festival. I am told, with no authority, that he tried to get it renamed the Cannesye Advertising Festival, but failed.
Still, the festival allowed him to expound on his greatest hero: Steve Jobs. You may not know that Jobs is so much a hero to West that the latter believes he is the next former.
Actually, last year West: "I am Steve Jobs." So who knows what levels of science he might be privy to?
In Cannes, he offered these wise words: "The reason I said I didn't like Samsung particularly is because throughout my entire life, because of how my parents raised me, I have to work with the No. 1. I can't work with anyone but Jay Z, because he's No. 1. I can't be with any girl but Kim, because that's the girl whose pictures I look at the most and get turned on by. I'm not going to represent any company but Louis Vuitton, because that's No. 1. ... Samsung is not quite Apple, but it showed that Jimmy [Iovine] and Dre would be able to connect with the No. 1 influencers."
I am not quite sure if this means that Jimmy and Dre are at West's exalted level. But I think he's trying to say that they at least think at his exalted level.
Still, if Jay-Z is No. 1, what's he doing working with No. 2? I'm not referring to West. I mean Samsung.
This great world philosopher seems to be disappearing up his own philosophy, if he's trying to say that No. 1s only ever work with No. 1s.
Kanye had other tech wisdoms to impart. He said of Instagram: "I said to Kevin [Systrom], why don't you let us redo Instagram? Now, you know, Instagram is nice. It's nice looking. I'm not knocking it. But just in general, everyone spends all of their time looking at their screens or their phones. And just as a simple task, we could clean that up."
And then there was this: "Steve Jobs, as everyone knows, was my biggest influence. Just seeing the way he fought to make things easier for people. After he passed, I made it my life's mission to do what he did inside of that company. I dream to help raise the palate and raise the taste level of a generation and also be involved with the production and distribution and advertising of that thing everyone's begging for."
May I tell you what I'm begging for? To get up off my knees.