I remember a time before holiday inflatables began spreading across the lawns of the world like fat, air-filled barnacles of forced cheer. Now giant snowmen, squishy Santas and marshmallow-looking Stormtroopers holding candy canes haunt our neighborhoods.
Never have I wanted an inflatable of my own. Until now. I've seen the light and it's emanating from the festive butt of a 9-foot (2.7-meter) Christmas dragon. This is the year to skip "It's a Wonderful Life" and embrace "Game of Thrones" instead.
The Home Accents Inflatable Holiday Dragon seems to only be sold through Home Depot in the US for a healthy $130. For that, you get a honking red and green dragon wearing a Santa hat while holding candy canes in its mouth and hands. If you don't appreciate how epic this is, go ahead and put your Grinch hat on and sit in the corner.
Nothing says happy holidays like a mythological beast that eats sheep for breakfast, hobbits for lunch and the denizens of Essos for dinner. The dragon has a 12-foot-wide wing span and comes with a fan to keep him inflated. A light show swirls inside his rear end, sending dots of color across his midsection.
An online search shows the dragon has a cult following. Reddit users discussed the beast earlier in the season, naming him "Gary." Gary has already been blamed for eating the neighborhood cats and dogs. Cut it out, Gary. This is supposed to be a time of peace and love and caring.
The Home Depot product description says Gary has "realistic moving wings." Reviewers beg to differ with this characterization, though, noting that his wings only move if it's windy.
The reviewers have mostly positive things to say about Gary. "The kids love it and you can't beat a 9-foot dragon for Christmas," writes dragon-buyer Gina. Good point, Gina. It will eat your inflatable Christmas pigs alive, turn Rudolph into reindeer-burgers and then hoard all the gold in its festive dragon-nest.
I would love to write more about Gary the Holiday Dragon, but the Home Depot site is warning me that my local store only has limited stock. I've got to run and see if I can adopt a dragon for Christmas and rename myself Amanda Stormborn.