"Shut your big wormholes."
That's a heartfelt plea from George Takei, aka Lt. Sulu, aimed straight at the squabbling actors who played Captain James T. Kirk and Princess Leia.
You see, Takei has sensed a disturbance in the... wait. No, his long-range scanners have picked up signs of a struggle between William Shatner and Carrie Fisher, each of whom have declared their "Star" vehicle the most quintessential science fiction piece of them all.
What Takei wants is simply some way to bind the galaxy together--to establish a federation, if you will--that would let the warring sides form a united front against their common enemy. Who is, indeed, the enemy of so many still-sentient beings: "Twilight."
In this impassioned video plea, brought to my attention by the starry-eyed thinkers at CBSNews.com, Takei begs for "Star Peace" between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" in order to combat the teeny horror of Robert Pattinson and friends.
"Gone is any sense of heroism, camaraderie or epic battles," Takei says of "Twilight." Who can disagree? "Twilight" is merely a fey vehicle for pretty actors to launch their careers as moody symbols of shirtless posing and hapless pouting.
Who can possibly find "vampires that sparkle" significant?
"Twilight" does not offer life lessons, Takei insists. "The only message that comes through loud and clear is, 'does my boyfriend like me?'"
Takei isn't satisfied with co-opting Kirk and Leia to fight the vampire menace. He always wants to enlist--who else?--Buffy and Blade, in hopes of ending the plague of bloodsucking freaks forever.