Internet: The Movie!
Films and the Web have gone hand-in-hand since the first pirate sneaked into the mutleyplex. But what would films based on your favourite sites and software look like? Crave calls lights... camera... action!
Hooray for Hollywood, that screwy balleyhooey Hol-ly-wood... Oh hello there. Here at Crave Towers, we've been inspired by the news that West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin is to script a movie based on the story of Facebook. We've long dreamed of breaking into showbusiness -- there's no business like it, we've heard -- so we're drawing on our knowledge of the Internet and technology to put together this marketing plan, outlining our pitches for smash-hit movies based on your favourite Web sites, gadgets and tech trivia.
We're ready for our close-up, so grab some popcorn and click through the images for our ideas, pitches and potential blockbusters. Hollywood, here we come!
Securing backing for a movie is hard. Maybe we should go where the money is? Google have a few quid going spare -- last attempt to finance a film disappeared without trace, but let's give it a shot.
Stanford, 1995. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are Larry and Sergey, two-fisted maths students and high-tech crime-fighters who are a hit with all the ladies, including Gillian Anderson, Cindy Crawford and Helena Bonham Carter.
If Damon/Affleck busy: Simon Pegg/Nick Frost? Mario Van Peebles/Christopher Lambert?
Suggestion: maybe Google would back:
YouTube: the Documentary
Kids' movies can't be hard. They're for kids! Kids are stupid -- they can't even read! Like, durrr!
Pixar take on the LOLcat with the tale of Julio and Batman, two cats thrown together when their owners, like, die or something. Voices: Reese Witherspoon, Shia Laboeuf, Tupac Shakur.
*With Christopher Walken as.
Okay then, let's try teenage boys. They can't read either:
Judd Apatow gross-out comedy starring Sean William Scott, Seth Rogen and Chantelle off Big Brother. Two slackers attempt to tick off a list of ten things they've always wanted to do, in one day. About five of the ten are actually funny.
*With Christopher Walken as the Dean.
Maybe we can get both young female and young male demographics:
Tagline: Thanks for the add!
Baz Luhrman directs a lush visual fantasy about a utopian dimension threatened by an evil business mogul -- played by Harold Bishop off Neighbours. Only a band of plucky Web-celebs led by Tila Tequila and the cast of KateModern can save MySpace. Highlights include a space battle sequence in which the rebels attack the villain's lair, which is a giant battle station shaped like Peaches Geldof's head.
*Also starring Christopher Walken as 'Tom'.
Hmm. Possibly too conceptual...
The Olsen Twins in 2 Girls, 1 Cupcake
Think of the merchandising!
- T-shirts and lunchboxes for the girls.
- Pin-up calendars and uncut DVDs for the boys.
- Branded chocolate mousse for the dads.
*Christopher Walken is George Washington.
Right, let's try something a little more highbrow. Here's some ideas on wowing the arthouse and Guardian readers.
Coen Brothers? Also starring George Clooney and John Turturro, obviously. Oh, oh -- and Charlie Brooker as Gordon Brown.
Wikipedia: the Director's Final Cut (Uncut) Redux - Special Edition
Tagline: Sometimes, the hardest edits are to your own life
Portmanteau project featuring sequences by directors including Terence Davies, Ridley Scott and Michael Cimino. Terry Gilliam is over-budget already and he hasn't even left his house yet. Peter Greenaway is a possibility, and we're in talks with Werner Herzog. What could possibly go wrong?
Note: Keep an eye on George Lucas, if we're not careful there'll be directors' cuts and special-edition DVDs out every other week.
Apple: the iFilm
Directed by Wes Anderson: Jason Schwarzman is Mac. Philip Seymour Hoffman is PC. Mac and PC are thrown together in a life-changing road movie, travelling to Cupertino, California. Along the way they encounter various quirky figures, all played by Christopher Walken.
Climaxes with fantasy fairy-tale ending scene, featuring John Goodman as Steve Ballmer and Bill Murray as Steve Jobs/Jesus. Soundtrack by Jonathan Coulton.
Jason Statham is HD, locked in a bitter feud with Blue Ray (Jet Li)! Forced to go underground, HD seeks out the reclusive Max (Steven Segal)! Before his training is complete, HD must face his fears, while Max once more comes face-to-face with his own nemesis, who bested him so many years ago: Viddy (Dolph Lundgren)! Script by David Mamet.
Possible sequels? Released straight to UMD and Laserdisc, obv.
All the President's Men/Zodiac-style political procedural, focusing on the minutiae of Web aggregation and the psychology of the Internet user, a detailed and exhaustive look at the politics and complexities of the Internet, examining the phenomenon of the and speculating on the future of the cloud.
Starring Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider as Kevin Rose and Alex Albrecht.
The Slashdot Effect
Big-budget sci-fi blockbuster: our heroes exist in a self-important virtual bubble, only to discover no-one in the real world gives a crap.
If we can't get the Wachowski Brothers, I know a guy who knows a guy who knows the Chuckle Brothers.
Fast cutting between short snippets of the banal, ultimately makes no sense as a whole.
What's Michael Bay doing?
Crave: the Motion Picture
This is it. This is the tent-pole release. Franchise starter -- merchandise? Action figures?
Rory 'Reckless' Reid (50 Cent) is a hard-livin' mav'rick tech journalist who plays by his own rules and don't take orders from nobody, much to the exasperation of his long-suffering editor Jason Jenkins (Joe Pantoliano) -- until he's partnered against his will with cool-headed Andrew Lim (Tom Cruise). To crack the biggest scoop of their careers, the bantering buddies recruit a crack team of tech experts: Ian 'Anger Management' Morris (Will Arnett), ninja sub Nick Hide (Casey Affleck), Nate 'The Kid' Lanxon (Seth Green) and, er, Rich Trenholm (Shane Richie).
To-do list for after release:
- Sit back
- Count money
- Polish Oscars
- Brainstorm Crave 2: Ten More Pages