In a world where Steve Jobs ran everything...
You know how great Apple is at everything? We've just about had enough of everything else being so damn rubbish. So, we thought, why not turn the lot over to Steve Jobs to run?
Steve Jobs is amazing. Everything he says and does is
We can't believe it's taken us this long, but we began to imagine what the world would be like if Steve Jobs ran more things. We got the visualisation systems in place, fired up the concept-creating graphic artist and issued the following command: "Draw us what would happen if Steve Jobs ran more things!"
The results are, for want of a better word, below:
We're not fans of Facebook. Obviously, we visit it every day just to make sure, but we're pretty sure we hate it.
If Steve Jobs we in charge, it would obviously be an awful lot better. For a start, he'd get rid of all the confusing nonsense. Groups wouldn't be impossible to find any more, there'd be no more of these spam invitations to join utter nonsense and apps would be fun and usable.
On the downside, it would cost £50 a year, be brimful of smug douchebags and you'd have to pay 99p a pop to use apps. Still, you win some, you lose some. The confusing privacy options would stay though, so Steve can snoop through your profile and make sure you're enjoying and evangelising Apple products to the level required by law. Once he's running all tech companies, he'll no doubt want to branch out into areas like policing anyway.
Let's not mess around here. eBay is a stylistic mess and a half, so this is another site Jobs will be able to help. eBay is best used as a way to sell other products, so the website would have to completely change under King Steve's reign. The new eBay would only be available on an iPod, iPad or Mac with a special app installed, which is convenient, because that's all it would sell too.
And there's one more important alteration to be made. Steve would have to put a stop to all those messy second-hand Apple products for sale. Steve isn't making money on people selling used stuff, so he'll make that against the rules. Of course, there's absolutely no reason to ever part with an Apple product, so this will hardly be necessary, but Steve's nothing if not thorough.
Amazon is already a hugely successful business, with a turnover of billions of US dollars every year. It's omnipresent in both the US and Europe and provides everything from baby toys to computers.
But there's a problem. Amazon makes it awfully easy for people to choose what they buy. That's not the Jobs way, no siree. So to relieve the problem of choice, Amazon would be redesigned with just one button. Marked simply 'buy it now', customers won't choose what they purchase -- the site will pick something for them. Something from Apple.
An appropriate amount will be deducted from the purchaser's credit card, and they'll find out exactly how much when their bill comes. Rest assured, whatever you buy will cost more than it should, and break after one year and a day.
Obviously, from a design and usability perspective, CNET UK is already perfect. But Steve must be frustrated with our low scores for some of his devices. Why, on God's green Earth, did the iPhoneon CNET UK?
No worries Steve, when you're running the whole world, you can just give Apple stuff a 5, and everything by Microsoft a 0.5-star rating. Although 0.5 might gall Ol' Jobsy slightly, so perhaps he'll invent a new rating.
Steve would also probably want to take a look at our user-review and comments sections, because we currently allow -- nay, encourage -- honest feedback. And that can mean low user scores.
Oh and last of all? Fire, he's got nothing good to say about Apple.
At first, Sir Steve running Microsoft sounds like a match made in hell. But think about it, there's one thing that Apple has never been able to do that Microsoft has always been brilliant at -- mice.
Microsoft will become the official mouse supplier to Apple, all mice will be required to be white by law, and Microsoft's workforce will go from 89,000 to 12. Job done.
Here's an interesting one for Steve, because Google promotes some very Jobsian values -- especially with its sparse homepage. The problem is all that nasty competing with Apple it does.
Anyway, Google does too much stuff, and it's all too confusing, so Steve would cut that out. Google would just do search. Porn would be dismissed from its index, along with bad reviews of Apple products, nasty comments about Steve, people who are mean about Stephen Fry, and any mention of Ubuntu.
Google Calendar will remain, but it will be impossible to book any meetings on Apple keynote speech days. Or St Steve day, where everyone must gather around an Apple product in silent appreciation of His Jobsian Holiness.
The British Government
Britain's current George Osbourne-based problems would be completely solved by putting Steve Jobs in charge. After all, at its lowest point, without Jobs at the helm, Apple was losing billions and on its knees with no hope of recovery. Jobs has turned it into a company that not only makes massive profits, but currently has $51bn in the bank -- $10bn more than it had in January. If it keeps making money like that, we won't have much choice -- Steve Jobs will be able to buy the UK and run it as he sees fit.
So what would a country run by Jobs look like?
All our buildings and roads would be demolished and replaced with cuboid glass structures and perfectly straight highways. This great simplification of the country would make it more user-friendly and much easier to navigate. All branded shops would be replaced with Apple Stores. There would, of course, be several variants -- clothes would be bought at Apparel Stores and food at Appetite Stores. Job seekers would go to Application Stores, and the underconfident to Applause Stores. Manufacturers would be invited to make their cars with 'Made for iRoads' stickers, and their clothes -- sorry, apparel -- with 'Made for iPeople' labels.
And of course, we'd be solvent again.
The only downside is that people too poor to afford healthcare, food or housing would be ground down and made into new Apple products.
Just ask Stephen Fry: God is dead and Apple has replaced him. That makes Jobs the new Jesus, come to Earth to save us all from the pain of choice and mediocre hardware.
So why not just put Jobs in charge of the universe?
Obviously, the night sky would have to go, it's just simply too cluttered with all those stars. Aliens are no use to Jobs either -- the chances of them having retina-display compatible retinas and thumbs the right size for home buttons is slim. That makes the decision to snuff out all other life in the cosmos all that much easier.
Also, if he's in charge of the universe, he could just get rid of anyone that didn't like Apple, or brainwash them into buying an iPhone -- he presently uses the Apple PR hype machine for exactly that. So that should help with the profits, even if it's bad news for free will and Ian Morris.