Conan O'Brien helps politicians secure their digital bits
The highly capable Junk Squad is here to help politicians not expose their digitalia like Anthony Weiner, but rather without dysfunction.
Teens and politicians have so much in common.
They both like screeching "no" and jumping up and down. They both like drinking too much. And they both believe they are the Lord's gift to sexting.
But while teens understand Snapchat, politicos can barely grasp the "snap" part.
So Conan O'Brien has created the Junk Squad, there to help politicians text or tweet their digitalia safely.
Thrust into existence by Anthony Weiner's socially networked overexposure, the Junk Squad offers a 24-hour call-out service.
Before a technologically incompetent politician misposts or mistweets an image of his powerful genitalia, the Junk Squad swoops in to ensure maximum security.
"We teach congressmen who weren't born in the digital age how to send pictures of their penises safely and discreetly," explains one highly helpful Junk Squad member.
The Junk Squad understands that politicians aren't merely digitally backward, but also mentally deficient and highly uncoordinated.
They can sometimes do things so painfully stupid that it actually results in physical pain.
It's hard being a politician. There's so much to think about and so little time.
There are so many constituents desperate for just a few inches of your attention.
Very soon, our enlightened leaders will wonder what they ever did without young men to swoop in and save their blushes.
This truly is Huma-nitarianism at its finest.