Zune Fan Fiction

ZDNet's Larry Dignan goes off the deep end.

Does anyone know what the hell they're putting in the water cooler over at ZDNet?

Because.... damn.

Larry Dignan (does anyone know which one is Larry in that picture? Is he the sysadmin, the college professor or the metrosexual? [UPDATE: In comments, Larry says he's the sysadmin. Who had sysadmin in the pool?]) has seen the future, friends! And the future is...

ZUNE!

Actually, the Macalope suspects that Dignan drank a few too many Zimas and fell asleep watching Superman II and the line "You will bow down before Zod! You, and one day, your heirs!" seeped into his brain stem and festered like a Ceti eel and he's just trying to get it out.

Yes, the Macalope knows he's mixing his sci fi movie references.

At any rate, Dignan seems to have awaken with fevered visions of a future where the Zune rules supreme.

However, the Zune's big breakthrough came courtesy of Apple, which bet entirely on music and video downloads. The company's reluctance to offer a subscription service turned consumers away from the iPod...

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, wait, he's serious.

Yes, the Macalope has long heard about how subscription and ad-based music systems vill take over ze virld! And so far the leading player and store have neither.

Maybe people really want subscription services. The Macalope doesn't, but maybe everyone else does. The problem is, no one apparently cares enough to give up cool hardware that works better in order to get it. Dignan's apocalyptic vision for the iPod's future fails to address this.

Meanwhile, Department of Justice proceeding against the iPod/iTunes link hampered decision making at Apple.

Uh-huh. Just like it did with Microsoft and Windows leading to its complete overthrow in the operating system market and...

Wait, what?

Dignan is clearly no Hiro Nakamura. Or maybe he is and just hasn't realized that the future he's jumping to is an evil future where everything has gone completely haywire and Microsoft is run by Sylar.

Hey, it could happen.

Well, in the world of Zune fan fiction.

Back to Dignan's future.

According to a new report from the NPD Group, a leading consumer and retail information company, sales of Microsoft's Zune are outpacing Apple's iPod by a 5 to 1 margin.

But then Steve Jobs saved the cheerleader and reality was restored.

The End.

Boy, and they have the nerve to call us craaaazy zealots?

Sure, the Zune is getting better and, sure, Microsoft has deep pockets. But the Zune's got a pretty big hole to dig itself out of and drawing little pictures on the back of it isn't going to cut it.

Let's face it: the only real way Dignan's silly vision of the future comes to pass is after the headlines read "STEVE JOBS RETIRES".

But if we're playing Dignan's game, all we have to do is stand Peter Petrelli next to Jobs for a minute so he can pick up his reality distortion field and then...

Oh, great, now the Macalope's doing it!

DIIIIIIIGNAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!

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Tech Culture
About the author

    Born of the earth, forged in fire, the Macalope was branded "nonstandard" and "proprietary" by the IT world and considered a freak of nature. Part man, part Mac, and part antelope, the Macalope set forth on a quest to save his beloved platform. Long-eclipsed by his more prodigious cousin, the jackalope (they breed like rabbits, you know), the Macalope's time has come. Apple news and rumormonger extraordinaire, the Macalope provides a uniquely polymorphic approach. Disclosure.

     

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