Woz picks up the stench of Buenos Aires

Steve Wozniak's attempt at the Argentine tango doesn't curry much more favor with the judges than his worm. He, however, claims the geeks will inherit the Earth.

He started with a rose between his teeth. He ended by spitting the thorns shoved into his mouth by the "Dancing with the Stars" judges right back at them.

Was Woz's sperm-infested Argentine tango any better than his worm-infested samba? Perhaps. In the same way that a poke in the eye with a short stick is better than a poke in the eye with a long one.

Hindered by an endearing lack of coordination, Woz succumbed to the same problem that had plagued him in rehearsals. He was unable to deliver the tango's nasty part.

His facial expression was that of a bank manager who suddenly finds himself unemployed and, to support his family, joins the Chippendales.

His professional partner, Karina Smirnoff, vigorously risked vim, limb, and, who knows, happiness in her forthcoming marriage by allowing Woz to lift her, contort her and support her with all the certainty of a 14-year-old on a date with Gisele Bundchen.

Asked to describe the dance, one judge, Carrie-Ann Inaba, said: "long."

"Argentines are good at polo and tango. I've tried them both now." CC Velofille

The judges are in a difficult position. They know that the more they criticize Woz, the more likely he is to get more votes from the geeks, the freaks, the sensitive, the misbegotten, and the forgotten. (Most of America, indeed.)

But Bruno Tonioli, the most evocative of the Gang of Three, told Woz he loved him before declaring that the only part of the gutters of Buenos Aires that Woz had picked up was the stench.

Woz, who earlier had declared that "the geeks shall inherit the Earth" (a perilous thought for the geeks and the Earth, perhaps), shot back that he had just three words: "I'm still standing."

The judges gave him two more points than last week--12 out of 30. Yes, it was again the worst score. But was he really the worst on the night? It was close.

Former Playboy model and currently, oh, who knows, Holly Madison managed to fall off her stool and dance the rest of the way like a wounded gazelle in a horse box.

Former clown and "Jackass" jackass Steve-O, whose stupendous partner, Lacey Schwimmer, is tragically saddled with his physical deficiencies, wandered around the dance floor as if his severe indigestion had prevented him from finding a handkerchief that he dropped a couple of hours before.

Two couples will be sent home Tuesday night. And it is extremely possible that, with insane numbers of votes cast by utterly demented fans, Woz and Karina will live to fight another death.

Is this entertainment? Well, perhaps. But, underlying it all, there seems to be a deep desire on the part of Woz to hijack the proceedings by proving his Act of the Impossibles can actually win the show.

ABC won't let that happen, of course. However, the love-hate dance may still have a couple of weeks left in it.

 

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