Why the online Bigfoot claims are true
Two Bigfoot hunters claim they have found the mythical creature. Here's why they are telling the truth.
Because you are alive and online, you will probably have already heard that two hunters in Georgia claim to have discovered the body of Bigfoot, the legendary big, hairy, well, thing.
Many commentators, including CNET's redoubtable Caroline McCarthy,about the veracity of the discovery.
I can, quite naturally, understand such doubt and redoubt. Journalism is a dubious business.
And Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer, the two hunters who claim to have discovered the big-footed body, have, unfortunately, created a YouTube video in which they presented a supposed expert, a Dr. Van Buren from Texas, who turned out to be Mr. Whitton's brother. And, um, not a Doctor of Bigfootism.
However, Mr. Whitton's explanation was very convincing: "I'm just tired of all the stalkers so I had my brother, 'Dr Van Buren', come down (... )I'm just glad you all had something to do on the weekend. We still have a corpse."
When you are being constantly stalked, you have to take reasonable evasive action. And who better than your brother to help you in such a situation? However, there are other facts that suggest Mr. Dyer and Mr. Whitton will, tomorrow, stun the world:
1. Their press conference is being held in Palo Alto. No one who is not in full possession of unimpeachable facts would ever dare venture to Palo Alto to be scrutinized. Palo Alto is the home of some of the finest faculties in the world, and only someone who had long ago lost his faculties of reasoning and personal safety would agree to speak there without full confidence in his evidence. Would you talk fake DNA in a place surrounded by weird scientists and DNA labs? Neither would I.
2. It is one of life's great lessons that if you persevere, you will reach your goal. Mr. Dyer and Mr. Whitton are not casual hunters who happened to come across a huge hairy body that would take ten men to drag through the forest. No, these are men who have dedicated themselves to the pursuit of this 7 feet, 7 inches tall, 500 pound menace. I mean, this thing is taller than Yao Ming. It is ten Yao Mings across. At least. When you make such a vast entity your life's pursuit, then your wish will often be granted. It is the same attitude with which Sir Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin and Simon Cowell discovered Il Divo.
3. Bigfoot was found in Georgia. This, for me, is the clincher. All those dreadful science fiction novels, movies and strange, bearded commentators have always said that Bigfoot's beat was the Pacific Northwest. How can this be anything other than nonsense? Georgia brought us the brutal killing and, er, other stuff, of Deliverance. The Pacific Northwest brought us Sleepless In Seattle. Georgia brought us Michael Vick and dogfighting. The Pacific Northwest brought us Woodland Park Zoo, 92 acres of fun for all the family. Georgia is home to CNN. The Pacific Northwest doesn't even have a regional office of the Food Network. (Atlanta, naturally, does.)
I firmly believe that at noon tomorrow, in the Cabana Hotel-Palo Alto, history will be made.
And all the Teetering Thomases who once believed there was no such thing as the Loch Ness Monster or Darth Vader, will be shown up for the total fools they are.