My MacBook and I are at a difficult stage in our relationship.
We've traveled the world together. We've written heinous insults together. And we have refused to countenance entreaties from sites of ill-repute together.
But something is now coming between us.
It's that little Swirly Rainbow Circle Thingy. You know, the one that tells you, well, what is it supposed to tell you exactly?
The first time I saw it, I had no idea what was going on. It whirled away on my desktop just like a dog that is trying to communicate with you and, in its frustration, begins to chase its tail in circles as if this will somehow make things more obvious.
This little Swirly Rainbow Circle Thingy might have been a bug. Or the introduction to some errant and very nasty computer game.
I even wondered if it was about to burst open and turn into a dancing leopard or wriggling worm.
The most I have ever comprehended about this anomic apparition is that it is somehow meant to signify: "Hold on there, mate. I'm not entirely sure what's going on. The ole' system's playing up a bit here and I'm trying to get it sorted out."
In other words, it's like a plumber perched beneath your sink, his upper bottom portions waving to the sky and his voice telling you: "Hmm. Aha. Uh-huh. Aha. Hmm."
Well, except for the dialogue part.
The Swirly Rainbow Circle Thingy never, ever tells me what's going on. Or how long it will be chasing its tail around my desktop.
It arrives and disappears as suddenly as a drunken gatecrasher. At times I confess I lose my patience, take out the battery and start my MacBook up again. Without fail, the Swirly Rainbow Circle Thingy will be gone.
I would therefore ask the core of superlative minds at Apple to please find me another plumber.
I would like something that talks to me, that gives me at least a clue about what is going on.
You know the kind of thing: "Your trash is fuller than Meg Ryan's lips and the Big Lebowski's belly. Empty it, you moron."
Or perhaps: "I can tell you've got no idea about tech, so just do what I say. Go to the cache and click on the third choice down."
Or even: "This MacBook is wasted on a bonehead like you. Get yourself a PC and like it."