Why all men should have someone else do their online dating for them

A new concept called the Personal Dating Assistant offers so many things that men need when online dating. Things like patience and taste. Well, you'd hope. As it turns out, perhaps not so much.

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He's focused. But not on online dating. Personal Dating Assistants screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

At what point will men admit they're incompetent? At least to themselves.

They go online in search of love and what they find is woe, heartache, and insanity. And that's merely in their own heads.

How do you write a profile that at least some woman might glance at? How do you make yourself sound interesting when all you do is play video games, pick your nose, and repeat "that's what I'm talking about" all day?

Men who online date mostly just look at the pictures. Mostly, those pictures are either fake, years old, or the very best their potential date is ever going to look.

Worse, women who are online dating get so many messages. So it's hardly likely that most men will even pass the most basic barrier of spelling correctly, writing something interesting, and looking moderately presentable.

Enter, through the side door, the Personal Dating Assistants.

This is not merely a job description. It's a brand name. It's a service that claims to be the best go-between that a man could ever want.

Indeed, your Personal Dating Assistant is Cyrano De Bergerac and Jennifer Lopez as the wedding planner all wrapped up into one virtual package.

You might wonder what this PDA can do in order to lead you to a PDA opportunity outside your favorite bar or Jack-In-The-Box.

When I look at the site's claims, I worry if these are the right people for me.

Here's a sample phrase from the site: "As men, our time is money."

Have these people ever been to California? For most men here, money is money, and time is spent smoking pot and pontificating about, uh, where technology is going.

It's clear, though, that these people are aiming at busy business types, who just don't have time for the niceties.

Here's another bit of blurb: "If you've reached a point where you're comfortable delegating, and like the idea of retaining a trusted expert who handles your lead generation for dating, then PDA might be for you."

Lead generation? Yes, sir. These people are putting lead in your pencil.

But what do these trusted experts do? Why, "your personal dating assistant is specialized to do 1 thing; supply you with a constant stream of attractive women to go on dates with."

This is clearly bliss for so many men. They believe not in relationships, but in constant streams. As long as your stream is constant, your heart will be nourished forever more.

Still, what kind of success can a service have in writing messages to women on your behalf, when their video offers this line: "You're at the point in your life when you know who you are and you know what you want. What do you want? Women."

Someone who dares writes such lyrical thoughts will surely also write to a potential match: "Hey, I'm great. Want some tonight?"

Your PDA will write all your messages for you. You did realize that, didn't you? After all, you'll be paying them $9.50 per hour. Yes, these expert consultants are paid more than minimum wage. There again, perhaps they're not, if the PDA owners take their cut before the consultants get their share.

There's another source of fear. Your assistants will actually choose the women "you'll" be contacting. You will of course, have told them that you prefer blondes/brunettes, statuesque/squitty, intelligent/nonsensical.

But I didn't like white cars and I severely disliked Audis. I ended up buying a white Audi and it makes me happy.

Personally, I would adore having a Cyrano De Bergerac at my side, to guide me past my blindness, my stupidity, my awful judgment and my verbal faux-pas.

This Cyrano would not only educate me but would warm my potential love with words, phrases, and thoughts that would prepare her for the perfectly imperfect being that I am.

The only question is whether Personal Dating Assistants can possibly be that Cyrano.

I fear, despite the obvious need of so many men, that, even if it works, there will come that moment when your lover will ask: "So how did manage to write me something so beautiful."

That will be the point at which you'll have to admit that you are one big, lumbering fake.

 

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