What the Woz can expect on 'Dancing with the Stars'

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak had better be prepared for his dancing debut. Most important will be the professional ABC's producers decide to pair him with.

I am still breathless at the idea that Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak will be appearing on Dancing With The Stars. My fear is that he may end up breathless, too.

Please let me confess that I have allowed my eyes to tiptoe through most of the last six series of this strangely addictive show. (Look, many years ago, I got paid to dance. Long story. You're not even getting the short version.) And the physical demands should not be underestimated. Especially for someone whose enthusiasm for the Segway knows leaps but no bounds.

Vital to the Woz's chances is the announcement that will come on Thursday. That is when ABC reveals which professional will partner him in his quest for twinkling immortality. (Although we already know that Max will be with actress Denise Richards, and Julianne Hough, who steered Olympic speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno to dancing glory, will be with her boyfriend, who appears to be a country singer with a big, um, hat.)

You might scoff at my attention to detail, but, for the sake of the industry, we need to work out the chances that Woz will be whipped into shape or shaping for a quit exit.

"And then I thought I'd swing her around my midriff, but she ended up in the third row of the stalls." CC Eric Rhoads

Those of a hopeful bent will pray that he will be paired with Australian professional Kym Johnson. Ms. Johnson is a woman of infinite patience who helped Mark Cuban blossom when he might have withered on the pine.

Equally importantly, she is very good with men whose birth has engendered a certain girth. Last season, she helped former NFL star Warren Sapp, not a midget around the middle, shimmy around the dance floor as if it were a lumpy left guard. Warren actually made the dancing equivalent of the playoffs.

However, if the Woz is offered the disarmingly beautiful Edyta Sliwinska, he will not emerge from the early rounds. Edyta is a wonderful dancer, but an impatient teacher. Her struggles with John Ratzenberger from Cheers were a sight to be let go before it upset your stomach.

One can only hope that Mr. Wozniak has secretly practiced for some time, because he will find the physical demands and weight loss alarming.

One can only hope, too, that he doesn't bring out the Segway as part of one of his routines. It would not be good for the image of techies if they are represented by a Paul Blart-type twirler on a program of such vast cultural significance.

 

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