Vote: Battle of the nonviolent robots (Round 1, Part 2)
These robots don't want to fight. That's why you have to pick the winners. Here's part two of the first round of our grand tournament, featuring robots from the movies and TV.
Voting is now closed for this round. See the results of these battles here and vote on the Sweet Sixteen matchups here.
These robots don't want to fight. That's why you have to pick the winners. Here's part two of the first round of our grand tournament, featuring robots from the movies and TV. All you have to do is vote for the winners.
Voting is open from now until next Monday, September 10. Check back then for the results of this round, exciting second-round matchups, and a couple of surprises.
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MOVIE DIVISION
=================
1. Marvin
the Paranoid Android (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
The only robot in this year's competition that is (allegedly) the subject of a Radiohead song, Marvin's vast intellect is both his strength and
his vulnerability. He may be too mired in depression and bored with this trivial
tournament to even put up a good non-fight, or he may completely destroy the
competition by employing his 5.5 million IQ. Either way, the championship is there for big number 42's taking if he wants it badly enough.
8. Dot Matrix
(Spaceballs)
Voiced annoyingly by Joan Rivers, this Spaceballs bot may meet its
inspiration, C-3PO, in the second round. It'll be tough for either of them to get
there, though. As much of a cult classic as Mel Brooks' Star Wars parody
is, we're betting that there are a lot more blue-blooded Hitchhiker's Guide to
the Galaxy aficionados in the Crave audience. We might be wrong.
(1) Marvin the Paranoid Android vs. (8) Dot Matrix: Who wins?
Marvin
the Paranoid Android
Dot
Matrix
====
3. Robby the
Robot
Making his debut in the 1956 film The Forbidden Planet, the
semi-ubiquitous Robby the Robot also did some guest spots on TV's "Mork and
Mindy," "Lost in Space," and even "The Simpsons." In addition to simply being a
classic, Robby made the tournament due to his inner conflict about killing a
human in The Forbidden Planet. The hardest-working robot in show biz is a
hall-of-famer, too; Robby made the Robot Hall of Fame in 2004.
6. C-3PO
Decisions, decisions...Would you cast a vote for C-3PO just because you love
Star Wars? Or does this droid's incessant nattering and worrying grate on
your last nerve? Threepio's fate could go either way in this competition, which
makes this first-round battle one of the more intriguing in the tourney. Two
things I will say for C-3PO: no one would understand most of the stuff R2-D2 said
without his reactionary dialogue, and his Halloween costume is best accompanied
by creative
use of jazz hands.
(3) Robby the Robot vs. (6) C-3PO: Who wins?
Robby
the Robot
C-3PO
====
4. Teddy
(A.I.)
He may smell like Haley Joel Osment's armpit, but the animatronic teddy bear from
Steven Spielberg's A.I. steals scenes and hearts like it's nobody's
business. Stanley Kubrick worked on A.I. for years before handing the
project off to Spielberg before his death. Part of Kubrick's vision for the film
was that the robots in the film would be played by actual robots, but the real
world never quite caught up to his vision. As this video shows, Teddy came closest to that reality.
5. Johnny Five (Short Circuit
2)
He may be "alive," but he's still a robot. Johnny Five's distinction in the
tournament, other than his unparalleled knowledge of pop culture and classic
literature, is that he's the only robot that has been arrested. For the purposes
of nonviolence, it's important to note that this is the Short Circuit 2
version of Johnny Five, the one with the toolbox instead of an on-board laser.
(4) Teddy vs. (5) Johnny Five: Who wins?
Teddy
Johnny
Five
====
2. D.A.R.Y.L.
Whereas most movie robots can just crush anyone mercilessly with a combination of
brute force and laser beams, D.A.R.Y.L. takes a more down-to-earth approach. He
will obliterate your high score in Pole Position, make any Little League
pitcher's ERA balloon to double digits, and ruin the grading curve on tests.
There may be a deeper story brewing here, too; Barret Oliver, who played the boy
robot in the 1985 film, also did a couple of guest spots on "Knight Rider" in the
'80s. D.A.R.Y.L. may run into KITT in the later rounds.
7. Woody Allen in
Sleeper
OK, OK, so he's not really a robot. But when Woody Allen disguises himself as a
robot butler in this 1973 film, some of the best robot hijinks in film history
ensue: crappy foot-shuffling, semi-robotic hand gestures, and people passing
around a silver orb that produces orgasms. I couldn't find any of the relevant Sleeper clips on
YouTube, but this guy does a
pretty good impersonation of the walking schtick.
(2) D.A.R.Y.L. vs. (7) Woody Allen: Who wins?
D.A.R.Y
.L.
Woody
Allen
=================
TV DIVISION
=================
1. Twiki (Buck Rogers in the
25th Century)
Despite the bidibidi-bad haircut and the inconsistent silver-or-gold color scheme, Twiki is a player to be reckoned
with. The reason for such a high seed? Twiki's actually a double threat,
thanks to the fact that he wears another robot--Dr. Theopolis--on his chest like
Flavor Flav's clock. Yeaaaaah bidibidi-boyeeeeeeee.
8. Vicki
(Small Wonder)
Hey, remember Small Wonder? Who could forget this visionary, superbly
acted sitcom, which delved into the subtle intricacies of in-home robotics by
personifying them in the form of the archetypical Vicki. Despite her brute
strength and endless sass, if Vicki had any violent instincts, the Lawsons'
neighbor Harriet (and all the show's writers) would have been toast by episode
three. Vicki's greatest contribution to the world, however, is inspiring this in-depth written analysis of the plausibility of her various powers.
(1) Twiki vs. (8) Vicki: Who wins?
Twiki
Vicki
====
3. KITT (Knight
Rider)
Technically, KITT is more of a souped-up car than a robot, but anything that
carries around The Hoff is automatically granted robot status. Plus, KITT could smell, see, hear, use x-ray vision, talk, take your blood pressure, perform drug tests, and kick it with The Hoff. Yes, KITT had flame throwers and lasers, but those needed to be manually operated by The Hoff. Anyone who still disagrees that KITT should be in this tournament should talk to The Hoff.
6. Data
(Star Trek)
Commander Data may have lacked emotions for most of his run, but he definitely
can win people's hearts. His childlike innocence combined with the most powerful
positonic net-powered brain ever gives him an idiot savantish lovability.
Combatants should keep in mind what Tasha Yar found out: Commander Data is fully
functional. (Commander Data scouting report written by resident Trekkie Tom
Merritt.)
(3) KITT vs. (6) Data: Who wins?
KITT
Data
====
4. Muffit II (Battlestar
Galactica)
It's a dog-eat-dog world, even when it comes to nonviolent robot battles. Muffit
II, the Daggit from Battlestar Galactica, has the upper seed on his
first-round robotic canine opponent for one simple fact: he's also half robotic
bear. Also helping Muffit's cause is the fact that there was a trained chimp
inside his costume. For some reason, Daggit didn't make it to the fancy new
Battlestar Galactica series, probably due to widespread robo-rabies concerns.
5. K-9 (Dr.
Who)
Yes, K-9 has a laser in his nose, but he ain't gonna use it unless the good
doctor tells him to. His top weapons are intelligence and mobile database
serving. What K-9 lacks in visual sophistication, the robot dog more than makes
up for in sheer loyalty. All that persistence has paid off for K-9, too: he's
getting his own spinoff
series in 2008.
(4) Muffit II vs. (5) K-9: Who wins?
Muffit II
K-9
====
2. Bender
(Futurama)
With Bender and KITT in the same bracket, the TV Division has the two most
potentially violent nonviolent robots in the competition. Bender's personality is
a volatile cocktail that could blow a fuse at any second: he drinks with the best
of them, has a smart mouth, and enjoys bending things. The Futurama star
may also have the biggest fan base in the tourney, but his cult following is
fiercely rivalled by his first-round opponent: the smarmy bots from MST
3K.
7. Crow T. Robot/Tom Servo (Mystery Science
Theater 3000)
Ah yes, this MST 3K play-in game may cause the geekiest of geeks' heads to
spontaneously combust. Oh, the horror of deciding between bowling-pin-headed
Crow's Monty Python references and gumball-machine-headed Servo's Lord
of the Rings references. Only one can advance. Just to pack some more
cult-status hair-pulling into your decision, Tom Servo made a brief cameo in an
episode of Homestar
Runner, while both appear in an episode of
Futurama...an episode, coincidentally, about a robot battle.
(2) Bender vs. (7) Crow T. Robot vs. (7) Tom Servo: Who wins?
Bender
Crow T. Robot
Tom Servo
====
Last week's results: Prototype Division
All scores represent percentage of votes, but let's pretend it's like a basketball game.
(1) Asimo 91
(8) Partner Ballroom Dance Robot 9
(3) OmniZero.4 58
(6) Motoman 42
(4) Beer-Launching Fridge 56
(5) The Rock-Afire Explosion 44
(2) Keepon 64
(7) Tiro 36
Last week's results: Consumer Division
(1) Pleo 71
(8) Hello Kitty Robot 29
(6) Nintendo R.O.B. 59
(3) WowWee Alive Chimpanzee 41
(4) Robosapien 74
(5) Necoro 26
(2) Sony QRIO 75
(7) 2-XL 25