The excuse of the wicked: The app ate my Mother's Day gift
In study of how well people planned for Mother's Day, 10 percent of respondents say they'll use a dud app as an excuse.
She held you when you were weeping. She rocked you to sleep. She fed you, even though you were a recalcitrant, moody ingrate.
And this is how you treat her?
Readers might reach such a conclusion after examining a study that has been thrust before my eyes on the eve of Mother's Day in the US and some other countries.
The study had benign aims. It just sought to know how people are preparing to buy gifts for Mother's Day.
It asked for the truth from 2,051 American adults aged 18 and over. And what truths they told.
A mere 30 percent said they'd bother going to a physical store to buy mom a gift. I mean, who does that? And where are physical stores these days anyway? Somewhere in the burbs, right?
Another 29 percent declared that oh, yes, they would buy mom something online. Yes, they were going to risk their thoughtful, heartfelt gift being in the wrong color or not arriving on time. Or, like a government drone earlier this month, being delivered to the wrong address.
I'd like to focus, however, on the 10 percent. These people are like the 1 percent, but more frugal, more devious, and more cynical in a sinister way. For these sons and daughters told the surveyors that they planned to tell mom the following: They'd tried to buy her something but had been thwarted by a purchasing app.
Naturally, I was suspicious that so many might come up with such an unctuously insincere response. So I checked to see who had sponsored this research.
Why, it was SOASTA, a company whose very business depends on ensuring that apps don't malfunction. Might it be, therefore, that this response was built into the research answers?
Of course it might.
But what does that still say about the circa 250 people who chose it? Does it mean that they disdain surveys? Or does it mean that they are self-centered good-for-nothings who have all the warmth and altruism of a damp twig in a lake?
I plump for the latter. By merely mentioning the idea of purchasing app to their moms, they are clearly suggesting that they are superior technological beings, operating at a level that their moms may not understand.
Buying everything on an app is merely an expression of their self-worth, as well as their self-righteousness.
But so cocooned are they that they never considered that their moms participated in this research too. For the moms were asked different questions about app use. It seems that 46 percent of these moms use apps to monitor their children's school performance. Another 41 percent even claimed to use them to monitor their kids' whereabouts.
Take that, sonny.
I am more concerned, though, about those who should be honoring their mothers tomorrow, with garlands of love, praise, fresh plants, and expensive gifts.
A full 11 percent of the survey respondents declared they weren't going to bother buying mom a gift at all.
Should one hope that this 11 percent never become parents? Or should one hope that they do?