The Apple apology that I would write

British judges are insisting that Apple posts an "accurate" apology -- explaining that Samsung didn't copy the iPad-- within the next 48 hours. Here's my humble suggestion.

It's nothing like an iPad, Sirs. Josh Miller/CNET

It must have been very painful for Apple to hear that British judges weren't happy to see that Apple hadn't obeyed in full their orders to apologize to Samsung.

Worse, the judges, led by Sir Robin Jacob, demanded that Apple post the correct wording within 48 hours.

This is clearly too quick for Apple's complex approval systems. So I thought I'd construct something on the fly that might serve as the perfect template.

I hope it will be of some use.

Hullo, there, British people,

We've been asked to make clear by your venerable judges, so many of whom have "Sir" in front of their names -- yes, just like our Jonny Ive -- that Samsung didn't blatantly rip off our iPad.

We are very happy to do this. Samsung didn't blatantly rip off our iPad. There, we said it. Through perfectly stiff upper lips.

Any resemblance between the iPad and the Samsung Galaxy Tab is purely coincidental. Like the resemblance between Heinz tomato ketchup and a store brand. Or the resemblance between Britain and a world power.

We meant no disrespect by mentioning in our last version of this notice that judges all around the world disagreed with your British Sirs.

Indeed, we wished only to show our boundless respect for British justice, which has historically been the template for so many of the world's judicial systems.

By referencing some of those systems, we wished only to add to the body of legal knowledge and show Britain's all-pervasive legal influence.

The British justifiably pride themselves on their fair-mindedness. That's why they always leap to join America in wars, while the biased, blinkered buffoons in France and elsewhere sit on their hands.

So we thought that Sir Robin Jacob and his fellow judges would only find it fair that we included mention of the decisions of other courts around the world.

Perhaps, though, in this one instance we didn't show sufficient respect for Britain's paradoxical, historical insularity. After all, your nation is a member of the European Community, yet you still have the pound.

You call yourselves a democracy, yet you still have a queen.

And you have lovely comedy shows - which we Americans always fail to mimic -- yet you feel oddly pained when we humorously include the fact that your nice judge Colin Birss said that Samsung's products aren't cool.

We ought to have remembered that Britain is an island. As such, it enjoys idiosyncrasies that make it feel important.

Which is why we're very happy to declare once more that, hip-hip-hooray, the Samsung Galaxy Tab is absolutely nothing like the iPad.

Just like Britain is like no other country on Earth.

 

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