Droid Doesn't. Or it could be that Droid Won't. Or even Can't.
But the statistical evidence is clear. The numbers do not claim to have been working late at the office. They merely expose a suspicion that has been harbored by many in the bars and bordellos of our nation.
Yes, in a deep and sonorous study by the dating site OkCupid, there seems to be no doubt: iPhone owners have more sex than BlackBerry owners and a lot more sex than the worthy, solemn, dedicated purchasers of Android phones.
The numbers for women might leave some readers breathless--as they rush to their local Apple store to buy an iPhone.
For this analysis of 30-year-olds with smartphones suggested that women with iPhones had an average of 12.3 sexual partners (I am sure the 0.3 knows exactly who he is), while their age-equivalents who had opted to put an Android into their purse scored a mere 6.1.
(It was 8.8 for the BlackBerry owners, but some might feel these more businessy types would most likely be having sex while still on their BlackBerrys, so that hardly counts.)
For men, the disparity was only slightly more narrow, which perhaps merely reflected a proportionate reduction in the width of their minds. Interestingly, though, Android-owning men seem to have exactly the same amount of sex as Android-owning women. This might suggest a mutual focus on more important things. Like reruns of Battlestar Galactica and Benny Hill.
OkCupid's calculations also offered that the sexual attraction that seems clearly to be offered by the Apple logo stretches to all ages. Android owners from 18-40 seem to consistently droop into relative sexless oblivion by comparison.
Because I know readers are highly intelligent and espouse all smartphones--some being so bold as to have one of each--might I explain how OkCupid concocted its findings.
No, let the OkCupid blog explain: "We crossed all kinds of user behaviors with the camera models and found we had data on the number of sexual partners for 9,785 people with smart phones. We dropped what we found into Excel, and voila."
Voila, indeed. OkCupid worked out who used what smartphone camera for their profile pictures and then trawled through the data to see who had answered such lovely questionnaires like "The Dating Persona Test" (yes, you are sure to be one of 32 dating personalities) and "The Slut Test" (all you have to do is click the button that reads "I...I can't say no." Really.)
I wouldn't dream of suggesting that, perhaps, both sexes lie about how many sexual partners they have really had. Most of my female friends tell me they have had four or five, while most of my male friends say they have four or five figures. My research shows, however, that men and women use entirely different numbers when asked the question in alternative situations.
There will be those who believe that the iPhone makes them look and feel sexier. Others will claim that only sexy people purchase an iPhone in the first place.
These findings might also suggest, though, that Android owners enjoy more stable relationships--you can still have a vast amount of sex with fewer people--while iPhone owners need constant gratification from a new and fleeting sexual partner.
However, for those insecure Android owners who don't feel they can easily give back their phones, OkCupid offers some technological suggestions on its blog to at least make themselves appear more attractive in their profile pictures.
The site analyzed which cameras bring the best out of what you have. If you want the most alluring profile picture, please use a sophisticated camera. OkCupid's analysis suggested that those who think phone pictures are good enough might not quite understand the laws of physical attraction. (iPhone owners might be exempt from this analysis, as it could be that mere ownership conveys deep allure.)
One can only conclude, though, that to be sure of being more attractive and having more sex, you should immediately avail yourself of both an iPhone 4 and a Panasonic Micro 4/3s camera. I know that these two purchases will set you back more than $1,000 for the pair, but surely it has to be worth it.
If you don't have sex on a regular, varied, and satisfying basis, what can you possibly talk about at work?