LAS VEGAS--No one has ever met Dr. X.
And even though he claims to have created breakthrough medical technology and powerful cures with the help of alien beings, Dr. X won't show at CES.
But his QuantumMan app is here. It supposedly diagnoses and heals your ailments with the simple touch of a smartphone, a few ounces of faith, and some good old cash.
At a small booth in the Las Vegas Convention Center's mile-long South Hall, somewhere between Wacom Technology and VistaQuest, Extraterrestrial Technology is pushing QuantumMan medical treatments at CES 2013.
It says they're based on "epiphanies" that Dr. X received from a superior alien intelligence.
"I became instructed on how to teleport data with my mind to other minds to effect medical benefits in that person or animal," Dr. X says in a release. "This knowledge allowed me to remotely cure my 72-year-old mother of Stage IV oat-cell carcinoma of her cervix."
No wonder Dr. X wants to stay incognito. He'd upstage all the Digital Health exhibitors at the show.
The release adds that Dr. X is involved with a mysterious organization called the Zurich Alpine Group (ZAG). He may or may not be completely bald.
Michael Uehara of Extraterrestrial Technology, which is based in Hawaii, has never met Dr. X either, but says the good doctor cured him of back pain over the phone.
Uehara doesn't even know who Dr. X actually is. He denies being Dr. X himself, but he's happy to offer the doc's QuantumChiro back cures to passersby at CES.
"The other day I was able to cure a cat with our QuantumVet app," he says dreamily. "It uses a portal access key and quantum teleportation. The cat's injury soon got better."
Uehara, a onetime newspaper circulation manager, whipped out his Samsung Galaxy S3 and asked me if I was having back pain myself.
"Funny you ask that," I say. My lower spine's been throbbing since the plane ride to Vegas.
Faster than you can say "holy tricorders," Uehara called up a QuantumChiro treatment for me.
I touched the "begin" menu item on the Samsung. An icon started swirling like a spiral galaxy. Data on my sore back was being sucked into a quantum portal for inspection by the benevolent alien intelligence somewhere.
I felt a slight buzz. But that could have been all the hits of sugar and caffeine I'd taken for lack of sleep.
"You should really lie down for five minutes so it can take effect," Uehara says.
I'd pass out if I lie down for five minutes, so I said no.
Uehara went on to explain that Extraterrestrial has successfully treated several hundred app users and other animals like horses.
QuantumMan has dozens of app treatments ranging from cures for the common cold to aphrodisiacs to malaria vaccines to something called MethBlocker for meth addicts.
So aliens know about meth, too. Of course they do.
As for Dr. X, it's anyone's guess what he does with the cash from QuantumMan. Is he living the good life in Zurich? Is he building a quantum computer?
Anyway, booth space at CES doesn't come cheap, so he's got to be doing something right.
My back's still sore, but thanks for the ride, doc, whoever you are.