Report: Justin Bieber is 3 percent of Twitter

A tweet by designer Dustin Curtis suggests that a Twitter employee has confirmed to him that, at any given moment, teen phenomenon Justin Bieber uses 3 percent of Twitter's infrastructure.

If you believe that Twitter is full of inane, immature narcissism, here's one in your solar plexus.

For an allegation has reached my eyes and baffled them into blindness. The allegation is that, at any given moment, at any given movement of your lungs and toes, 3 percent of Twitter's infrastructure is dedicated solely to the one person who most defines our hopes and our times.

I am not speaking of Kim Kardashian, nor of Rep. Jack Kimble. I am speaking of the one person who can unite men and women, young and old, sane and slightly less so: Justin Bieber.

A fascinatingly hopeful post at Gizmodo offers that Dustin Curtis, a designer of some repute, was told by an employee at Twitter that 3 percent of the company's infrastructure is dedicated to the little man with the unreal voice and the even more unreal hair.

Screenshot: Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

Bieber apparently has huge racks of servers personally dedicated to every tweet about, to, and from his benign person. Indeed, in a follow-up tweet, Curtis offered that his twittering snitch revealed that all the more popular users of Twitter have their own dedicated servers.

I wonder if, in those chilly, remote places (like, um, Nebraska) that companies house servers, there is a picture of little Bieber on each and every box. I wonder if the people who maintain those servers wander in occasionally and ruffle the surface of Bieber's dedicated servers, dreaming that they are ruffling his coiffure.

However, I thought I'd ask Twitter if this overwhelmingly lovely statistic could possibly be true. The reply might well have been written by one of Bieber's loyal lumps of metal: "At the moment, we are not making our user statistics public."

Personally, I want to believe that the number is higher than 3 percent. I want to believe that more and more people are turning a deaf ear to Ben Bernanke, Nouriel Roubini, and the New York Times. I want to believe that they are turning to Bieber in order to lift up their hearts and gain some hope that this recession will not dip doubly.

I believe that Twitter should reveal its Bieber Infrastructure numbers daily so that the world can gauge the true optimism levels of the American people.

Where Bieber goes, so does America. Follow him and the promised land surely awaits. Let's get that number to 20 percent, people.

 

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