Hope doesn't merely float. Hope displays audacity.
So I am able to bring you the daring news that so many of you, staring into screens, screaming for a third dimension, a fourth, or even a fifth, have been waiting for since hair appeared in your armpits. Yes, model Hope Dworaczyk will, in the June issue of Playboy, hitting newsstands Friday, become the first of the magazine many playmates to be featured in three glorious, luscious, enticing, overwhelming dimensions.
You will be able to clutch your Playboy magazine, open it wide, put on your 3D spectacles, and view Hope's 34Cs in 3D. As Playboy founder and anthropologist of the male mind, Hugh Hefner, so deftly told the Associated Press: "What would people most like to see in 3D? Probably a naked lady."
I am told that "a naked lady" narrowly beat out "the new iPhone 4G" in several online polls. And I feel a personal pride and affinity while bathing in the knowledge that the woman who will claim this vast fame is a "Czyk."
We Czyks have fought hard for recognition. We Czyks have resisted the advice of snooty, misguided people to change our last names, to forsake our heritage, to dump our last, zee-adorned syllable. But we Czyks will keep the czyk at the end of our names not merely because czyks just want to have fun. It's because Czyks just want to be real.
As Playboy's editorial director framed it so beautifully to the AP: "People want things that last and have meaning."
Hope has proved that you need very little alteration to your true self in order to reach meaningful, lasting, desirable recognition. And I know that this huge technological development will be one that will reinvigorate paper in its fight against the sheer plastic artificiality of the laptop.
Hefner explained it like this to the AP: "This particular picture is one example of how books and magazines are different (than computer images). You can hold [them] in your hands, save them, and as Dad used to, put them under the mattress."
I would like to point out that my father was an excessively good Catholic but that my older brother was not immune from enjoying a little support beneath his mattress.
While Hefner claimed that he first thought of 3D in the 1950s, when he must have already entered maturity, I believe that Hope Dworaczyk may have described to the AP, and to us all, the true contemporary power of three-dimensional technology: "It's kind of like it says on the rearview mirror. Things may appear larger."
This 3D Playboy centerfold will, indeed, make the world a larger place on Friday. Larger, perhaps, than life itself.