Oh, Kay.

Apple is beset with security woes! Imaginary ones!

The Macalope's devastatingly handsome and wickedly quick-witted readers know that the horny one has repeatedly asked Apple to take security more seriously. So, he has sympathy to arguments from even David Maynor that Apple is benefiting not from great technology so much as it is from being a smaller target.

But this BusinessWeek piece by Roger Kay is just 10 tons of stupid.

And good lord, just look at Kay's web site! The Macalope knows it's a cliché, but 1996 really did call and it really does want its web template back. No, seriously, the Macalope just got off the phone with it. Not to judge form over substance (Kay fails at both), but would you trust the opinion of someone with a site like that?

No, you would not. And you'd be right. What's up with BusinessWeek?

As hackers pillaged Microsoft's (MSFT) Windows operating system, Apple (AAPL) stressed that its computer platform was relatively virus-free, most notably in that snarky ad campaign, "I'm a PC. I'm a Mac." There was Windows, groaning under the weight of its security apparatus, like some knight of yesteryear packed in heavy armor who, once he fell off his horse, couldn't get up again. And on the other side, there was Apple strutting about, smacking its gloves together and posing for the crowd.

The Macalope doesn't remember that ad. Probably because it doesn't exist. In the "Boxer" ad, the boxer was the PC, not the Mac.

People like Kay seem to forget that these are ads. They're not white papers. They're supposed to be funny and directionally correct.

But now Apple is becoming a victim of its own success...

"Victim"? It is? Since when? Did somebody lose some data? Did anybody lose any data? Does anybody know what the hell Kay is talking about?

Apple sold nearly 7.8 million Mac desktop and laptop computers in 2007. That's a 37% gain over the number sold in 2006 and well more than double the 2001 volume. It's little surprise then that reports of Mac viruses have been rising steadily.

?

???

???!!!!???!?!?!???!!?!??!!

Hackers went to town on the iPhone from day one, opening it for service with nondesignated wireless providers and dropping applications onto it at will.

Could someone please sit down the slower students in the class and explain to them that "hackers" who seek to alter a device's software for the purpose of giving it more functionality are not the same as "hackers" who try to find illicit ways to compromise your data for personal gain.

Kay apparently believes there's a rash of people breaking into the homes of Apple customers, installing applications on their iPhones or enabling them to be used with other carriers and then slipping away into the night.

As if there weren't already enough incentive to hack the iPhone, the 30% revenue "share" Apple will require for every application sold through the iTunes Store should do the trick.

Actually, the 30% is the one thing developers (as opposed to jackasses like Kay who have no actual skin in the game but love to project their weird revenge fantasies onto Apple) aren't complaining about. So, wrong again.

Everyone is rooting for the hackers to win.

If by "everyone" you mean some subset of the subset of iPhone owners who have hacked their phones. And with the coming of the App Store, that number's going to drop.

Apple, welcome to Microsoft's world! This is an environment in which you have to support thousands of developers of varying quality, and all sorts of apps, well made or not.

Again, eh, not so much. Which actually brings up the part of the plan people are complaining about. Apple can pick and choose which applications/developers it wants to work with.

See, Rog, you can't complain that the system is closed and then say Apple's screwed because it's open. It's one or the other.

The elegant simplicity of your platform just makes hacking easier.

Well, no again. It's exploits that make hacking easier. Wait, are we talking about hacking or hacking now? It probably doesn't matter as that doesn't make any sense either way.

Daedalus warned Icarus not to fly too high, for the wax holding the feathers on the wings they were using to escape their island prison would melt in the sun.

This is a particularly appropriate parable since, you know, it's just flat-out nonsense (it actually gets colder the higher you fly).

The funny part of that story you rarely hear, though, is that Daedalus made a fake cow for the queen so that she could copulate with a bull and make the Minotaur. The Macalope love to tell that at parties because it really pisses off the Minotaur who will inevitably yell "My mother is a saint!" and storm out of the room.

Anyway, that's got nothing to do with Apple and hackers.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Well, you've certainly proven that particular axiom, Roger.

But society loves to repay hubris with derisive laughter.

Indeed.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

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Tech Culture
About the author

    Born of the earth, forged in fire, the Macalope was branded "nonstandard" and "proprietary" by the IT world and considered a freak of nature. Part man, part Mac, and part antelope, the Macalope set forth on a quest to save his beloved platform. Long-eclipsed by his more prodigious cousin, the jackalope (they breed like rabbits, you know), the Macalope's time has come. Apple news and rumormonger extraordinaire, the Macalope provides a uniquely polymorphic approach. Disclosure.

     

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