Mysterious superhero surfaces, strikes fear into hearts of no one

Mysterious superhero Shadow Hare surfaces on the streets of Cincinnati.

Many of us here at CNET harbor dreams of leading secret lives as masked superheroes, protecting the public from evildoers. A nagging feeling some would call "common sense" prevents us from living the dream. Luckily, we can all rest easy knowing that our streets are now protected by a motley crew of pseudo-heroes known as The Allegiance.

The team owes its Internet notoriety to a short profile that a Cincinnati local news station aired on one of its members, intimidatingly named Shadow Hare--check out his MySpace page. A 21-year-old man (I'll believe it when I see it) from Milford, Ohio, Shadow Hare claims his Allegiance of Heroes reaches all across the country, with masked vigilantes each protecting their respective cities. There's Aclyptico in Pennsylvania, Wall Creeper in Colorado, Master Legend in Florida, and Mr. Extreme in California.

Shadow Hare: this is the best Cincinnati's got? TMZ via MySpace

Let's just pause for a second to marinate and comment on what's going on here. The first thing these guys need, judging from the video, is a super gym membership with a super personal trainer on the side. Plenty of comic book characters don't actually have super powers, Batman being the most popular, but the difference here is that he makes up for it with intense physical and psychological training and gadgets unobtainable by the public--therein lies the mystique, that not just anyone can be a superhero.

These guys, on the other hand, just look gross. Come on, guys! Your Spandex uniforms are loose in all the wrong places, you've reduced your handy gadgets down to Tasers and handcuffs, and dude, Shadow Hare: you don't even have a car? Good luck briskly strolling down the street, trying to look tough waiting for the bus.

And I heard that you got bopped in the shoulder while trying to stop a guy from beating up a woman? Something tells me the commissioner of the Cincinnati Police Department ain't rushing to Home Depot to build a Hare Signal. And what's with the name, guy? Out all of the menacing animals out there, you choose a cuddly bunny made famous for his arrogance in that fabled race...bummer that The Deadly Meerkat and The Flying Lemur were already taken by other heroes, huh?

Seriously, though, you have a lot of work to do before people take you seriously, Allegiance of Heroes. I respect your noble attempts at vigilant justice, but if you're gonna do it, do it right. Start by getting a police scanner, hit the free weights, and pound some steroids, then develop skills (nunchaku skills, bow-hunting skills, computer-hacking skills). Definitely fashion new outfits, and don't forget: extra padding is your best sidekick.

Until all of that happens, maybe just stick with being super funemployed.

 

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