Kanye West, rapper and, um, other things has a blog. He is happy with his blog. And he does not need to join the Twitterati.
However, having discovered that there are fake Twitter accounts in his name, Kanye took to his blog to, in his words, offer a "spaz" because of "losers making fake Kanye West Twitter accounts."
And what a spectacular spaz this was. In its way, quite a thoughtful spaz too.
He began, in rather untwitteresque caps, by saying: "DON'T HAVE A F****** TWITTER... WHY WOULD I USE TWITTER??? I ONLY BLOG 5 PERCENT OF WHAT I'M UP TO IN THE FIRST PLACE."
He then rapped the obsession with real-time communication so beloved of, oh, people who go to real-time communication conferences: "I'M ACTUALLY SLOW DELIVERING CONTENT BECAUSE I'M TOO BUSY ACTUALLY BUSY BEING CREATIVE MOST OF THE TIME AND IF I'M NOT AND I'M JUST LAYING ON A BEACH I WOULDN'T TELL THE WORLD. EVERYTHING THAT TWITTER OFFERS I NEED LESS OF."
I need less ice cream. Does Twitter offer that?
Kanye appears to have been in contact with the Twitterarchy and explained that he does not want to Twitter, has no intention of Twittering, and wishes Twitter would just twitter off.
He continued with his caps: "THE PEOPLE AT TWITTER KNOW I DON'T HAVE A F****** TWITTER SO FOR THEM TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO POSE AS ME AND ACCUMULATE OVER A MILLION NAMES IS IRRESPONSIBLE AND DECEITFUL TO THERE FAITHFUL USERS."
In case you didn't quite get that, Kanye repeated for rhythmic emphasis: "THE HEADS OF TWITTER KNEW I DIDN'T HAVE A TWITTER AND THEY HAVE TO KNOW WHICH ACCOUNTS HAVE HIGH ACTIVITY ON THEM."
Kanye ended with a question, and a significant question too: " IT'S A F****** FARCE AND IT MAKES ME QUESTION WHAT OTHER SO CALLED CELEBRITY TWITTERS ARE ACTUALLY REAL OR FAKE. HEY TWITTER, TAKE THE SO CALLED KANYE WEST TWITTER DOWN NOW .... WHY?"
If you haven't already understood why, please don't worry, as Kanye is about to tell you. Are you ready?
"BECAUSE MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS LOUD!!!!!!!!!"
Yes, that is a real quote. And, yes, that is the end of his spaz.
I am sitting here, with many body parts twitching in anticipation of the American Idol semi-final result, wondering what it would be like to be Kanye. It's not easy, but I got into the character by going to Twitter, where I discovered 19 different Kanye Wests on the site.
I feel sympathy wafting through me. I am about to emit it when I happen upon a tiny Gawker item that questions whether Kanye always writes his own blog.
Oh, world. Why must you disappoint?