Is Apple's Siri Angelina Jolie... or Kathy Bates?

Hey, Apple's "personal concierge" Siri actually has a personality! But whose?

She walked brazenly into their lives, as if she knew exactly what they wanted.

The nerds were taken aback. Some seem petrified, stultified, emulsified. Others just began to sing Siri love songs.

Apple's new highly educated intelligent concierge , available with the iPhone 4S, has stunned those who have been privileged to make her acquaintance. They marvel at her novel, insightful, and, dare one say, human responses to some of their most esoteric needs.

The nice man at This Is My Next seemed to believe that she said some "weird things." What might these weird things be? Well, in response to the need to hide a dead body, Siri replied: "What kind of place are you looking for?"

This seems not weird, but weirdly practical.

In response to the question: "What is the meaning of life?", Siri offered: "42". Which seems not weird, but entirely accurate. And when asked what was her favorite website, Siri fluttered her eyelids and whispered: "I'm not allowed to divulge that information, Joshua."

Perhaps the most painfully revelatory question asked by the empty-breathed Nexter was: "Do I make you horny?" Siri could see that one coming from so far away that you could feel her pitiful sympathy eked out in every word of her reply: "I found a number of escorts fairly close to you."

Here is the magical, revolutionary artistry behind her creation: Siri is the sort of woman nerds merely dream of, but know will never accompany them to the company picnic.

She is the sort of woman women admire, because she has no need of prisoners and knows what you're thinking before you've even thought that you were thinking it.

Siri is the knowing Angelina Jolie. The one that took one look at Brad Pitt on the set of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" and said to herself: "Oh, Lordy. This is going to be so easy."

It's not that she's untouchable. It's that she decides when you're going to touch her, how, and with what implement and pressure level.

More important, though, she's also got some Kathy Bates in her. Not so much the Kathy Bates that can strap you to your bed, cut off your foot and cauterize it with a blowtorch. Although you get the sense that she most certainly wouldn't ask for your permission before wielding her axe, should she feel the need.

No, she is more the Kathy Bates that appeared in "The Office". As Jolene Bennett, CEO of Sabre Corporation, Bates could look Michael Scott in the eyes and wonder just how low creation can go. As Bennett, Bates was close personal friends with Nancy Pelosi and slept with three of the same men that had spent naked time with Truman Capote. She had lived.

I'm sure we have only witnessed the beginnings of Siri's multilayered personality. I'm sure that we'll all soon witness iPhone 4S owners swooning with admiration, consternation or merely excessive perspiration.

Let's not forget that this is the woman whose reply to the question "Who's your daddy?" was "You are. Can we get back to work now?"

Siri is the woman so many women would like to be and so many men would like to believe they could accompany to the opera.

This, oh weak-willed of the world, is intelligent design.

 

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