Hilda Legging is in a relationship with her very married, but luscious-lipped, CEO. Jonathan Footsore would like everyone to know that he just enjoyed breast reduction surgery. Harold Bragadoccio is currently rocking orange underwear from Victoria's Secret.
With all the opportunity that Facebook offers us for sharing our most tightly-held intimacies, sometimes we regret offering up what should have never seen the light of a laptop.
Yet, as Google CEO Eric Schmidt is so keen to remind us, once it's out there, it's out there for the rest of your days. Hey, you might even get special offers from Victoria's Secret on your Facebook home page, Mr. Bragadoccio.
So, perhaps moved by the coming holiday season and its encouragement for you to lose your inhibitions and loosen your luscious lips, Web security company Webroot got itself into a relationship with ad agency TDA in order to create Socialmediasobrietytest.com.
This fine and caring creation aims to prevent you from getting drunk and then posting things you will regret on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and, if it still exists by Xmas, MySpace.
Essentially, it's a browser extension that blocks you from these tempting sharing areas until your mind knows what your body is doing and your body re-connects with the regular pace of its motions. Should you attempt to force entry onto your own, say, Facebook page, this fine test might ask you to recite the alphabet backwards or follow a finger on screen.
Unless you are an extraordinarily functioning drunk, you will fail. Which will represent success. I am concerned, however, that the creators of this moral armor believe, according to the Socialmediasobrietytest site, that "nothing good happens online after 1 a.m."
There are many definitions of good. But perhaps this opening line might have more forcefully introduced the notion of nothing good happening when you're slurring sloppily, even if it's before 8 p.m. This is certainly likely to happen with many inexperienced people, especially those employed in tech, who are still accustomed to partying like it's 1999.
Still, I feel sure that this test might prevent Icarus-like career plummetings, middle-of-the-night visits from mean, cuckolded husbands, vast misunderstandings with respect to people's quirky nighttime predilections, and, well hugely significant truths being shared with the whole world (including advertisers).
The truth, you see, doesn't always set you free. Sometimes it ties you up in chains, scratches down your spine, and calls you by demeaning epithets, until you scream for it to stop. But that's generally only after 1 a.m.