He wanted to check Facebook, so he stole a laptop

A 19-year-old man in Florida allegedly steals someone's laptop when the owner wouldn't let him check his Facebook page.

Checking your Facebook page is, perhaps, the most important part of the day.

At least that was the mistaken belief of 19-year-old Corey Kinney. He wandered into a Starbucks in Bradenton, Fla., and noticed a man with a laptop. So Kinney asked him if he could borrow it for a moment to check his Facebook page.

The laptopper, Gary Lyman, was a little busy. History does not record whether he was checking his own Facebook action. Or whether he was enjoying some other significant online pursuit. But he told Kinney he could not spare his laptop for Kinney's social networking.

Kinney made as if to accept living a little longer without knowing if someone had poked him. Then, in a move seen in many a playground and episode of "Law and Order," he swiveled, snatched the laptop and ran.

Which doesn't make sense to me. I mean, where was he running to? To another Starbucks where he could find a hotspot? To his buddy's house where there was Wi-Fi? No, it seems that Kinney wasn't actually caught up in Facebook frenzy. He merely thought he could use it to get himself a free laptop.

"There he goes! He said he needed to Twitter!" CC Cirofono

He admitted to police afterward (oh, yes, a couple of mall bystanders mowed him down like a running back who'd forgotten to take his HGH) that his aim was not to network socially.

Instead, it was to commit a crime that "did not hurt anyone". He needed money. He knew that Starbucks was a haven for laptops. And, by the way, someone who has their $4,000 laptop stolen is, allegedly, according to Kinney, not a victim.

They have interesting names for crimes in Florida. The police charged Kinney with "Robbery by Sudden Snatching." To be distinguished from "Robbery In The Style of Teresa the Tortoise."

You see, Kinney, not everyone (yet) cares about Facebook. You should have gone for one of the older standards, such as a dying relative. Or, even better, a dying dog.

Or you could have followed the quite ingenious example of a beggar outside San Francisco's 4th Street parking lot: "My Wife Has Been Kidnapped. I Need Money For The Ransom."

 

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