If there are some typos in this post, please forgive me.
I'm writing it through a veil of sodden, gushing tears.
You see, I've just caught a glimpse of Google's new ad for the Nexus 5 and, well, it's just so ridiculously happy that I can't help myself.
The whole ad is full of wonderful moments from weddings. I love weddings. They are joyous events that promise so much and deliver for at least 24 hours afterward.
I know that a few readers have been lucky enough to enjoy several of these events in which they were groom or bride. Each one was, very possibly, happier than the last.
So here we have scene after scene of unparalleled joy at weddings of all kinds, including straight, gay, Indian, nerdy, and mountain-top.
How can you not love this? How can you not imagine that the minute you have a Nexus 5 in your trembling hands your life will be as happy as these people's? How can you not weep even as you order it?
Cynics, unbelievers, the unhappily divorced, and very possibly the Dutch will look at this ad and mutter: "But you can get wedding photos on any phone."
That's not the point. Google is telling you that only with the Nexus 5 will you experience the ultimate, heartfelt high, and feel it coursing through you every time you look at your wedding pictures.
Of course there are some who have never managed to waltz up the aisle to the sound of Al Green's "Let's Stay Together," Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On," or One Direction's "Let's Go Crazy."
I have some advice for you.
If, somewhere in your heart, you have an inkling that your George, Gabriela, Alexander, or Aziela are at hand, buy a Nexus 5 and get down on one knee. You will live happily ever after.
Pass me a hankie, would you?