Google disturbingly muscles in on Venice Beach

This is tragedy written as progress. Google is gobbling up 100,000 square feet of buildings in Venice, Calif., and the muscular members of Gold's Gym believe they will be ousted.

It says "paradise," not "business center." Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

Venice Beach is the home of freedom, abandon, muscularity, and dropping out of society's sad, rational ways.

This ocean-side neighborhood of Los Angeles is a place so outside the norm that a fortune teller there actually told me things she could never have made up.

So why, oh, why is Google -- of all companies -- invading the place with its brainiac gristle?

A shocking expose in The New York Times describes how grown men with vastly overgrown guns are weeping on the beach in frustration.

Why? Because they fear that they will soon be cast aside in favor of Frisbee freaks.

Google has already stuffed sales people and technologists into 100,000 square feet of prime Venice real estate. It is negotiating on another 100,000, including the 31,000 that is the home for muscle sprouts: Gold's Gym.

Nathanial Moon, surely echoing the feelings of musclers from all over the world, told the Times that this was:

the ultimate revenge of the nerds, the greatest way of getting back at all the guys that stuffed people from Google into lockers in high school and stole all their prom dates. And you can't fight against Google, because they've got billions of dollars.

Truer words could surely not have been thought or spoken. This is Google's way of trying to achieve make-believe sexy.

Though a Google representative insisted to the Times that the company isn't going to take over Gold's, this is the same company that didn't collect Wi-Fi data with its Street View cars until, well, oops, there it was.

If this represents pain for the bodybuilders, please imagine what it is for those of us who wander to Venice for a little social and psychological correction.

We go there to see real weirdos, not ones who have been made that way by excessive coding. We go there to inhale the merging odors of burgers and marijuana, not the merging colors of pale blue and khaki.

We go there to bathe in a world that accepts the unbathed and provides an ocean for them, in case they change their minds.

We do not go there to commune with the most active people on Google+.

Surely whoever is in charge of tourism down there might be able to place some controls on this cultural annexation.

Googlies are lovely people who provide a very useful service, one that, strangely, they seem to want to ruin.

But Google on the beach isn't sex on the beach. It's sects on the beach.

Soon, cheery Googlies will be seen Rollerblading around Venice Beach hawking ChromeBooks to sunbathers. They'll be dragging people into their offices to participate in focus groups to decide which shade of white looks best on their walls.

And, should anyone resist, you can just imagine a Googlie telling this individual, with a fixed smile: "Do you know how much we know about you?"

I am deeply concerned that Venice Beach will shortly experience social unrest not seen since the Russians thought they could defeat Afghanistan.

 

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