I know that many pulses are already racing at the prospect of a new "Godzilla" movie, due to be released May 16.
Somehow, humanity cannot get enough of wanton destruction, murder, and terror and the Statue of Liberty with her jaw knocked out.
Well, I am here to disabuse you of your fantasies. Because Godzilla is actually a perfectly decent creature who suffers just like you do. How can I know this? Why, because I occasionally watch commercials for candy bars.
Should you have missed this commercial spectacle on the airwaves recently, a new Snickers ad reveals the real truth about Godzilla.
He's a nice guy. He's a magnet for the female of the species. He loves water-skiiing, and he's very good at ping-pong.
So what's with all that rage and slaughter and trampling on skyscrapers? Oh, that stuff. Well, he only does that when he's hungry. Give him a Snickers to eat, and he'll be back to his normal, fun-loving self in no time.
You will be stunned into trampling upon your cranium when I tell you that this ad appears to be something of a tie-in with the movie itself. I can only hope this doesn't presage Godzilla's appearance in a thousand other ads for, who knows, construction companies and pet stores.
The recent example of Will Ferrell clogging seemingly every commercial break like a clot put me off ever seeing "Anchorman 2."