Forget Twitter. It's time to Jittrr!

By now your family and your friends and the people who you went to school with and all the people you have ever met in your entire life have Flickr, MySpace, Bebo, Facebook, Orkut, Plaxo, YouTube and Second Life accounts, so you'd think you had enough ways to announce your digital presence to the people who care about you. Then along comes Twitter and you realise actually there's been something missing all along.

Until now, there's been no good way to discover what the people you care about are doing at interesting moments through out the day. Sign up for Twitter, provide your mobile phone details and instant message account information, and voila -- you send and receive updates throughout the day. "Writing column for personal blog." That sort of thing. "Paddling hard to stay on top of new digital trends." Get the idea? No message is longer than 140 characters, which keeps it all fresh and immediate. It's called nanoblogging. It's going to be huge. Get used to it.

Twitter is fine as far as it goes. It has the elegance of its simple mission statement, trying to answer one simple question: "What am I doing right now?" Sure, there are teething troubles -- it's getting loads of buzz and so the service is often horribly slow, which of course undercuts the value of what is supposed to be a rapid-fire, real-time communications system. And like most networks, it only really starts to have value when the people you care about are using it: that first telephone wasn't much good on its own. The real weakness in Twitter, however, is that it doesn't push its premise to a logical conclusion -- it's half-baked. We need something more ambitious.

So I have approached a group of experienced European venture capitalists to get some seed capital for a new idea, called Jittrr (pronounced 'jitter'). With Jittrr, you simply log in to create a free account (hurry or you'll lose your favourite handle -- and if you can't be 'web2oh2000' on everything, it's just no fun, right?). Then you enter in details of all your other digital accounts, as well as your IM and phone details.

After a few days your custom lifeblogging webcam, GPS locator and microphone rig will arrive. (I'm thinking of calling it The JittrrBug. Sweet, eh?) We'll provide all the tools you need -- titanium screw plate, hypoallergenic gold screws, high-speed drill, local anaesthetic -- and in a few minutes you can attach the Jittrrbug to the top of your head. Turn on the atomic battery and you're ready to Jittrr!

After that, everything you see will be automatically uploaded to Flickr and MySpace and Blogger. Your movements will be relayed to your avatar in Second Life. Your world will be streamed to YouTube in five-minute video nippets. A team of out-of-work graduates from the University of East Anglia's creative-writing course, based in India, will study your digital day, reading your email and listening to your text messages and phone calls, and they'll write glittering aperçus about the human condition based on it, as well as devastating, insightful portraits of your friends, family and colleagues.

And if you upgrade to Jittrr Premium Edition, a Jittrr ninja dressed in an unobtrusive special forces neoprene black camouflage suit will follow you around at all times with an industrial-strength megaphone and announce at unbelievably high volume to everyone around you WHAT YOU ARE DOING AT ALL TIMES IN EVERY SITUATION FOR EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE UNTIL YOU DIE. Get the idea? I call it gigablogging. It's going to be huge.

If you're interested in learning more about the evolution of Jittrr.com and my plans for other innovative new digital services, please send me your banking details and other pertinent personal financial information, with credit-card details, account numbers, passwords and international money orders. Trained criminals will be standing by to steal your attention, your silence and your life.