Dungeons & Dragon perfumes: Smell like an orc

Bathe your body in the seductive scent of orc or rogue with Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab's RPG series of D&D-inspired perfumes. Now you can find out what an evil half-elf smells like.

RPG perfume series
Your essence of half-elf smells delightful. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab/Julie Dillon

Eau de elf. Essential oil of orc. Chaotic cologne. The one feature that Dungeons & Dragons has always lacked is a sense of smell. It's incredible that nobody has come up with a scratch-and-sniff dungeon adventure. That vast oversight has now been remedied by Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab's RPG series of perfumes.

The idea is that you build your own scent just like you build a D&D character. Choose your alignment (such as lawful or chaotic), add your class (like cleric or paladin) and top it off with your race (including half-elf or orc). Layer the fragrances together and you get the odor of your D&D alter ego. Ah, the sweet smell of a 20-sided dice.

The perfume descriptions read like wine-tasting notes. The paladin perfume smells like "immaculate white musk, sweet frankincense, bourbon vanilla, white leather, and shining armor." I'm not sure what shining armor smells like, but I'd sure like to find out.

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The RPG scents are great for masking the true smells of Dungeons & Dragons, namely Twix bars, Doritos, and Mountain Dew. Your dungeon master will thank you.

This could revolutionize the mating rituals of D&D geeks everywhere. Imagine leaning into the object of your affection and whispering, "Can you smell the untamed wilderness, hay, and patchouli of my lawful halfling ranger?" If you don't get a date from that pickup line, then you're going to need some serious professional help.

Sprucing up your role-playing aroma will cost you $17.50 per 5 ml bottle. In case you're wondering, evil smells like smoldering opium tar and green tea. How can you resist smearing that on your body? Nothing says "victory" quite like a pungent combination of Sumatran dragon's blood resin and galangal. Go forth, you good-smelling knight!

 

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