Drug recommendations for the 10,000 people who will lose their laptops at airports this week

10,000 people lose their laptops at US airports every week. What is wrong with them?

According to Network World, a Dell-sponsored Ponemon Institute report discovered that 10,000 laptops are lost or stolen every week at US airports.

Unlike the British Government, whose laptops appear to disappear from the parked Ford Tauruses of junior employees , many corporate warriors leave their laptops on the security screening belts and somehow never reunite with them.

As always when it comes to surveys, I poke this one with a very long stick. And at the end of the stick is disinfectant.

The suggestion seems to be that 50% of the disappearing laptops contain confidential corporate information yet, in the case of the 36 larger airports, 65% of the laptops are simply never reclaimed.

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In fact, the survey declares that 77% of the people surveyed said that they had "no hope" of ever recovering their laptops.

Which surely would suggest that the majority of American business would appear on the fabulous FOX show Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? and embarrass themselves.

If Senator Larry Craig can find a lapdance at an airport as dull as Minneapolis, what prevents our corporate wizards from failing to find a laptop?

I have left my MacBook twice on the screening belt at Newark.

Twice, my redoubtable former assistant, Chris McDonald, who has just (I hope) finished directing a movie with Heather Graham, made one phone call to the TSA, and lo, I beheld my laptop within hours.

Why does this possibility not cross the mind of all those who are directing the nation's business future?

And do you really get the impression, as you stagger through those infernal security lines, that the people in front of you are waiting to steal your laptop the minute your eyes deviate from it?

Call me an IQ number lower than the average Bachelor contestant, but doesn't everyone in front of you in the line already have a laptop? And, quite often, a fancier one than you?

Or is the survey's suggestion that it is TSA employees who are fencing these laptops in exchange for, say, yachts in the Florida Keys?

I am touched by Network World's sensitivity in attempting to help our forlorn corporate brethren by suggesting that they should place their laptops in the first bin on the belt or that they should mark their laptops.

May I make my own suggestion?

Ritalin. Lots of it. Plus Xanax, Lunesta and Johnny Walker.

The Ritalin, naturally, would work on this egregious attention deficit disorder.

However, as a former girlfriend once said to me, one must look deeper into the causes.

Let us accept that some of these losses are due to stress.

So corporations that are already blocking access to certain deleterious websites, should also inveigh directly upon their warriors' deeper mental health.

Xanax for a little more peace. And Lunesta for a little more sleep.

The Johnny Walker?

Ah, well, that might help them tell the truth when they answer surveys.

 

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