Could these be Apple's ads apologizing to Samsung?

Judge Colin Birss seems to have character. First, he declared that Samsung couldn't possibly have copied the iPad because Samsung's products are simply "not as cool."

This week, though, he ordered Apple to run ads on its UK Web site and in advertisements in British newspapers saying that Samsung wasn't a copycat.

There seems to be no firm direction, though, as to the actual copy of these ads. So I thought I'd give Apple a little help.

These are a little unpolished, but I hope they serve to offer the company some positive direction.

Ad No. 1

Headline: SAMSUNG DIDN'T COPY THE iPAD BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST NOT COOL ENOUGH.

Copy: We've got to admit that we never thought of this angle. In fact, we fired a couple of lawyers because they didn't either.

When we accused Samsung of copying our magical, revolutionary iPad, we never stopped to think that even if they had, no one would believe us.

Not because we're not trustworthy. I mean, we would never turn up at your doorstep pretending to be, say, policemen. It's just that Samsung has never been cool -- even a judge said so.

And judges are supercool. They wear simple black clothing like our co-founder. They even wear wigs.

So if a person of such refined taste says that Samsung's stuff isn't cool, that's the best ad we could ever have hoped for, right?

We're therefore happy to declare that Samsung didn't copy the iPad. Even more than we were angry to declare that they actually did.

And don't get on at us about the grammar in the headline. We think different, don't we?

Ad No. 2

Headline: WE'RE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE iPHONE 5 IS COMING SOON. SAMSUNG COULDN'T COPY THAT ANY BETTER THAN THEY COULD COPY THE iPAD.

Copy: Look, we're a little emotional at Apple.

If we don't get emotional, you'll never be able to feel the emotions of our products.

Like our new iPhone 5, which we can't tell you about yet, because we like to put out lots of false information for drunken, drug-addled bloggers. Which means they won't have time to write about whatever pieces of scrap metal Samsung might come out with.

Like that Galaxy Tab thing that some people think is just like the iPad. Yes, we thought so too, at first. We said we're emotional, right? But, on closer inspection, we've decided that it's just a pile of prehistoric poop. At least, in the UK it is.

It's like a tablet made by English dentists.

Even when they tried to forge the iPad wholesale, Samsung couldn't, because they're not good enough. So they didn't. If you see what we mean.

In closing, we would like to say that we cannot confirm or deny that the new iPhone 5 will have a bigger screen, a camera that can take really, really good shots of Mars and that our new phone will actually fold in half.

If Samsung tried to copy any of that, it would take them another 43 years.

Ad No. 3

Headline: HERE'S TO THE CRAZY ONES WHO THOUGHT THAT SAMSUNG HAD COPIED THE iPAD.

Copy: Here's to the crazy ones. The rebels, the troublemakers. Yes, like those bastards at Samsung who tried to make trouble by copying the iPad.

The people who are crazy enough to change the world don't just try and copy someone else's product. They make something of their own. And that's what Samsung ultimately did.

The Samsung Galaxy Tab is to technology what Chuck Wepner was to boxing, the Hansons were to music, and Jay Leno is to comedy.

The Samsung Galaxy Tab is to technology what the Edsel was to cars, New Coke was to Coke, and the prisoner who paints the yellow lines in the road is to art.

The Samsung Galaxy Tab is a butter croissant, unfrozen three days ago at Starbucks.

We at Apple are happy to clear up any misunderstanding that the Samsung Galaxy Tab is in any way a copy of the iPad. Or even a tablet. Or even something that any sane, crazy or otherwise alive human being would want to be seen with.

If Dali, Muhammad Ali, or Picasso were to take just one look at the Samsung Galaxy Tab, they would have an allergic reaction so strong that they'd be in ER within five minutes.

Anyone crazy enough to make a tablet like that deserves to have an ad dedicated to them. This is that ad.

The Samsung Galaxy Tab is not a copy of the iPad. It is, quite simply, the worst tablet ever made. And that's saying something when you see some of the stuff Microsoft came up with in the past.

It can't be easy for Apple to contemplate having to do ads that essentially apologize.

I can imagine that there has been much consternation in Cupertino as to whether to make these ads deliberately ugly, lifeless and banal.

I feel sure that someone must already have suggested they should employ comic sans.

So I can only hope that one of these might serve as the template for Apple's ads of apology. I look forward to seeing the finished versions with great anticipation.