Comcast really, really doesn't care about you (allegedly)

Funny Or Die decides it must express its truth about the potential Comcast-Time Warner merger. The new Comcast tagline? "We don't give a f***."

He's a nice man. Funny Or Die screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

Comcast has often managed to be the target of abuse and, on a good day, gallows humor.

It regularly features in the Consumerist's list of worst American companies. Indeed, just three years ago, Comcast encouraged its staff to vote so that it wouldn't be named Worst Company in America.

But, now that it is proposing a merger with Time Warner Cable, things will certainly get better. The new Timecast (or Corner) will be a joy to do business with.

Your cable box will be automatically renewed every six months and installed by a happy, well-dressed employee. The box will even seem like it was created in the 21st century. And bundles will be replaced by oodles of individual choice.

Oh, of course I'm inventing this. Many are the critics who see the darkness of a cable Vader on the horizon.

The latest critics to offer their concerned opinion have emerged on Funny or Die.

For some reason, the creators of the oeuvre feel rather strongly that the merger would not be a net positive for real human beings.

Here we have an alleged representative from Comcast expressing the company's direct feelings: "We don't give a f***."

Should you be sensitive to such phraseology, I must warn you that it's uttered many times in this video.

However, it does offer supporting evidence for its vehemence. There's the lack of options; channels randomly disappearing; and the general "Walmart of Telecom" vibe.

"We don't give a f*** because we don't have to," explains the charming representative with disarming clarity.

In the interests of peculiar fairness, I confess that I am a Comcast customer and have only really had one or two instances of utterly, mindbogglingly appalling customer service.

Moreover, I tried to find the best defense of any aspect of its service I could find. Here, then, is an interesting argument from Joe Marchese, CEO of True(X) Media. It's entitled "Why You Should Shut Up And Love Your Cable Bundle."

Marchese suggests that your cable bundle is like a gym membership. You don't use all the machines, do you? Just being seen on those ellipticals can harm your image, can't it?

He explains: "The gym's role is to constantly optimize its offering to justify the total cost of membership to the broadest audience."

It's an interesting thought and one that, for example, Comcast has been stunningly poor at expressing.

Of course, those who have endured painful experiences with Comcast (or, indeed, with Time Warner) feel that some of its employees have an attitude not entirely geared to being helpful.

One way of describing it is: "I really, really don't care about you." Well, that's one way.

 

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