"It isn't choo-choo. OK, punk?"
These were the pained, spittle-emitting words of the elders in Chattanooga, Tenn., on seeing "Iron Man 3."
Well, they weren't the exact words, but these that I've selected seem to accurately express the Chattanooga sentiment on witnessing Robert Downey Jr. become frustrated at the city's allegedly slow Internet service in the movie.
I have before me a missive from the city's representatives demanding a Google Hangout with Downey Jr., the producers, the directors, and anyone who claims to have been involved in creating such a horrid falsehood about this fine city.
Well, not quite. But I do have a missive from the city that reads, in part: "In 2010, Chattanooga surprised America becoming the first American city to have a communitywide 'Gig' fiber network offering up to 1-gigabit-per-second Internet and broadband service, with its network covering the entire 600-square-mile area and every 150,000-plus homes."
I can't remember being surprised about this. But there's certainly a "so there" implied here.
In the movie, Iron Man seems desperate to escape Chattanooga in order to get better Wi-Fi. As far as the city is concerned, he deserves 150,000 (Chatta)noogies, all performed simultaneously.
The city insists: "Geeks and techies are flocking to Chattanooga to experiment with the city's 'Living Lab.' This summer, entrepreneurs and startups from across the globe are vying for five spots in the city's accelerator challenge GIGTANK, the only world's accelerator program that focuses on the utilization of a living fiber network."
I am not sure that all my nerve endings enjoy the concept of a living fiber network, but I wish to reassure Chattanoogans a touch.
Dear people of Chattanooga, movies are often written by people who take a lot of drugs, don't wash their clothes, and smell like a back-alley after-after-after party.
They are often produced by people who have little interest in storylines or plots and vast interest in product placement, front-end profits, back-end profits, and lunch.
They are often directed by people whose eyeballs become frightfully uncomfortable and often useless, when living in heads the size of the Arc de Triomphe.
Please, you expect too much of movies. There is so little there there that you should be grateful that the people behind them know that Chattanooga is in America.
Use the words uttered by Downey Jr. himself in the movie: "This is old-fashioned revenge."
No, I'm not suggesting a superfast DDoS attack on Hollywood studios. I'm thinking more of creating your own Hollywood, one with fewer plastic and twisted facts. One with cheaper costs and better technology. One where everyone speaks with a Tennessee accent.
Think of it as the filmic Nashville. That'll show 'em.