Between the Spreadsheets: How good are you in bed?
With the Spreadsheets app, you can get your score for every carnal performance in the quest, perhaps, for self-improvement.
Chemistry, like lovemaking ability, cannot be quantified.
Which doesn't mean that someone won't try to do it, just for hits and giggles, you understand.
Please, then, lie back and herald the coming of Spreadsheets.
Sadly, this is not an iPhone app that measures your Excel-lence. Instead, it offers you "Data. In Bed."
Honestly, I have friends who already do this. One tells me that a lady friend told him inflagrante delicto: "The data you're sending me is that this isn't quite doing it for you."
Yes, of course, she worked in finance.
Still, Spreadsheets claims that its app delivers solid numbers.
It claims to measure how long you last. It keeps records of your average, peak, and aggregate performances. Does it include "thrusts per minute"? Why, how could it not?
Are you wondering how this app works? It claims to monitor your movements and your audio levels.
Yes, apparently loudness equates to excellence. Only in tech, perhaps.
Quite clearly, this is what every modern couple has been missing. It's like a Jawbone for your relationship, a hinge for your happiness.
I feel sure that many bright young things will be posting their Spreadsheets results on their Facebook pages for granny to admire.
I do worry, though, that it might increase the incidences of performance anxiety in the populace.
The app insists that it no, no, no, doesn't record your arias of ecstasy during the act itself.
It also claims that your data is stored securely on your phone. Unless, that is, there are sounds that resemble bellicose intentions, in which case the NSA might be onto it before dawn.
Who cannot conceive, though, that one day, some unscrupulous being will reveal the Spreadsheets scores of famous people?
Perhaps even more concerning would be if an aspiring actor or politician (the names Kardashian and Weiner did not enter my head) proudly displayed their scores as part of their resumes.
Whatever works, right? Perhaps with 140 thrusts in 6 minutes, you should be mayor of New York. Get it up to 200 and you should stand for president.