Beauty nightmare? Your iPhone is giving you a wrinkly neck
It seems that the vain and the neurotic are worried they're bending over their phones too much, ruining their looks. Naturally, plastic surgery is at hand.
Have you ever looked at your lover, noticed a double chin tending toward triple, and thought: "Where did that come from?"
Have you ever nuzzled into your loved one's neck and espied a new and slightly off-putting freeway system of wrinkles has formed in recent times?
There could be a technological reason for this. It seems that all the bending over your phone or iPad is scarring your beauty.
My painfully irregular reading of Elle magazine has thrown up this difficult revelation.
It's couched in something far more severe than mere mention of new sources of physical imperfection. The headline reads: "Staring Down at Your Phone Could Be Making You Look Older."
No one on this Earth wants to look older than they are. Or, worse, older than they look now.
Only George Clooney has somehow managed to combat the ravages of time with apparent ease. But who knows what cosmetic precautions he might be secretly taking?
In the case of so-called "tech neck," disaster is lurking beneath your chin and all around it. Elle magazine describes it as "the loose skin, etched lines, folds, wrinkles, and double chin that appear when you look down at your laptop or iPhone."
Yes, there are at least five physical disasters occurring as you stare at the latest Giselle bikini pictures or watch the latest episode of "Mad Men" on your portable device.
There's a certain doubt as to whether "tech neck" truly exists. It may well be that we're simply noticing wrinkles more because we're obsessively staring at ourselves and each other on social media.
On the other hand, it could be that this isn't the time to turn the other cheek. Instead, we must slap this affliction as hard as we can.
Thankfully, Elle magazine informs me that there are many remedies for this blight, everything from lasers to liposuction.
There's also something called Ultherapy. This ultrasound treatment is, according to plastic surgeon Dr. James Marotta, non-invasive.
Please hark and his description of this marvelous solution to a severe problem: "When placed on the neck it causes thermal coagulation and encourages the body to produce its own collagen, which results in filling out wrinkles and providing a more lifted look."
Ultherapy itself claims it does the lifting "gradually and naturally." One woman on its YouTube channel cheerily declares: "Ultherapy has just sort of tightened up, firmed up and lifted up who I am."
If there's one thing we all need, it's a tightening, firming and lifting up of who we really are. Every day and in every way.
Needing to justify ourselves not only in person, but on a myriad social networks, we cannot possibly address all of our imperfections.
Thankfully, here is Ultherapy. It costs a mere $2,000 and can make our necks look perfect to all who see them from a distance or up close.
I fancy that millions of people will today be examining themselves in the mirror and checking on their gadget-staring postures to decide whether the lines on their necks correspond exactly to the folds their necks describe when they're poking their phones.
The quest for beauty, like the search for the perfect phone design, never ends.